Change

Change is daunting, is it not? I remember deciding that it was absolutely necessary to get out of my hometown and move on to "bigger and better" things. After all, being an adult is the way to go...right? The freedom you get, the independence, is exhilarating and exciting. For the first few weeks, anyway...

I got into a routine though...one that I loved. Everything finally meshed this semester. It only took 2 years in a completely different lifestyle... (did anyone note the sarcasm there...?)

But really, I'm surrounded by people I genuinely love. I'm in a major that for the first time actually feels right, even if it's kicking my ass every step of the way. Up until a week ago, I was wholly surrounded by my best friends and some of the best people I know (with the exception of a few who have never lived here with me).

A little over a week ago, one of the best people I know developed a medical problem and shook everything up. You know who you are...and you know how much I miss you. I won't go into that again ...haha! But the whole reason for this particular post is not for me to rant about how unfair it is that she, of all people, got what she got. Because she's at peace with it, which should logically translate to me being at peace with it....right?

I suppose. But life is never that cut and dry, is it.

For the first time since St. Paul, I'm starting to question again. Funny how it didn't take Mormor's death or the ever-increasing realization that life is not finite and it does not slow down. It took one little episode from a girl who, up until said episode, I saw every day. Consequently, that girl has the strongest most unfaltering faith I have ever seen. A 20-year-old girl in college. If you're reading this, Es, I truly am in awe of you.

Anywho, all this got me thinking. And by thinking, I mean I avoided that 'thinking' by picking up a book and closing myself off from the "real world" and delving into the paranormal. (I know...right! Me, reading paranormal? Who would have thought...? But that's another discussion for another day..) The point of that tangent was to point out that I came across a passage in a particularly dark novel said by an even more dark character...who I now happen to adore. Here it is:

"Here's the thing, though. I believe that there is a hand that guides us. It isn't always a gentle one. Or one that seems fair at the time. But, I dunno, I try to trust in it now. When I freak, I just try to...shit, I guess trust in it. Because at the end of the day, what else can you do? Choice only gets you so far. Reasoning and planning, too. The rest...it's up to someone else. Where we end up, who we know, what happens to the people we love...we don't have a lot of control over any of it." (Zsadist from Lover Unbound, p 490)

Deep...right? But so...I dunno. Right out of my own head just worded more beautifully than I could ever hope to write. After everything happened with Es, my immediate thought was this passage. And I guess I shouldn't be surprised I remembered it, seeing as I've read the books 3 times each, minimum. But the fact that I can link a vampire romance novel to my thoughts and life and faith is kinda kick-ass...

No?