Adventure

I'm beginning to really understand why people say that life is, or can be, an adventure.

In the past couple of months, I feel like I've learned a lot about, well, everything. I learned that if we had soulmates in countries, I found mine in Ireland. I'm not sure if I buy into the whole "soul mate" theory that is circulating out there. Maybe it's my inherent cynicism, or just the lack of evidence of existence that had brought me from my naivete into the world of disbelievers, but I think that the concept of "soul mates" is just a bunch of crock that people are raised to just believe. You know, like somewhere along the lines of organized religion or that people are fundamentally good.

Jeez, my cynicism is apparently out in full force today..

Anyway, if I could get myself to wrap my head around the concept of soul mates, why then could it not logically be applied to other aspects of life other than finding your mate, or whatever? Well, since I'm way over reading about newborn children right now, I found my mind wandering back to this past summer and the adventures I had over yonder in Europe. And, I came to the decision that Ireland is where I'm ultimately going to end up when I eventually make my move over to Europe.

Maybe it's all just coming from a profound sense of nostalgia. I really miss laughing - and by laughing I mean real laughing. Before Ireland, it had been so long since I'd felt remotely like myself. I've always been so harsh in judging my sister for sticking in a lifestyle and place that made her miserable from the inside out. I find it interesting that I can do the same thing without even realizing it. I supposed we're more alike than I anticipated.

Years ago (since I really don't remember when I actually made the decision, to be honest), when I decided to go into nursing, it seemed like it would be the thing to break me out of the funk, depression, whatever you'd like to call what I was feeling and put me on the path to feeling content again. Because really, that's what we all look for...right? Contentment? It didn't really. Actually, it probably made me even more stressed and insecure considering all the failure that was happening in my life at the time. I mean, there are snippets of awesome - like A&P 1 and meeting some of the people who became my biggest inspirations and some of my most beloved friends; or actually getting into a program and the validation of all the work I had done to get there. That validation totally made the journey, and consequently the adventure, worth it.

So here's my thing - when will the validation come for this stretch? And is it wrong for me to be looking for it? I need to know that all the anxiety and stress are working toward something. Afterall - I'm only human. Will it be if, and/or (hopefully) when I get my license to practice? Or will it be when I actually save a life? Will it be when the information actually starts connecting and making sense?

I'm trying to be better about being flexible with my adventure, but it's so hard! The insecurity is killing me!

I find all I want is a whiskey while sitting in a pub in Ireland surrounded by awesome.

Or maybe I just want different.

Exhilaration.

Something to bring me out of my shell and show not only the world, but myself, what I have to offer.

I supposed the answers will come with time. The ultimate test of patience is happening here in the life of me. In the meantime, I guess I'll just stick to the newborns, lack of sleep, and fond memories and hope that my current adventure will actually bring me closer to some answers.