Just Be

I went through this phase once that nobody knows about. Well, a few people do, but they're all random and for all intents and purposes people I met in the phase, but never in person. People who I grew to love and probably know me better than my so-called best friends do. It was a time where I was supposed to be exploring and experiencing and growing, but didn't. Soon, those people grew up and moved on, and I find myself in a similar position I promised myself I wouldn't get back into when I started nursing school. 

I wouldn't say that I've always been the most out-spoken and confident person. Actually, the opposite can be argued; no matter what front I put up or how much acting I do, I'm painfully shy. When I was a teenager, I somehow managed to surround myself with people that, through association, had to force myself to get over myself and just be. That's high school - sink or swim. I swam, barely, and incredibly self-consciously. In retrospect, those years that I have always considered the best of my life were probably the ones that caused me to drown. I lied a lot back then, and I'm sorry for that. Most of my "friends" probably knew...it's most likely a factor that let to the dissolving of said friendships. All I've ever wanted, still want, is to be that confident person that people want to be around while maintaining me.

Why is that so hard? To just be.

For some people, it's not. To them, it's synonymous with breathing. They live for adventure and new friends and experiences because they don't want life to pass them by. But what about the people who want the experience and the adventure but need a little more push, or just some encouragement? 

By the time I finished my first semester of college, I had fully converted into an introverted person that held no recognition. I had gained over 30 pounds, and felt so lost I didn't even realize I was lost. That went on for years. The realization just came recently, actually, and it's been 2 years in the making after I made my first scary life change. My "best friends" had gone to different schools and stopped answering my phone calls, and my roommate was the polar opposite of me. I went to class, went back to my dorm and ate. Repeat. Then I found an online community based on writing and I met wonderful people. 

People who I could pretend that I was confident and worldly with, and they couldn't call my bluff. They made me feel accepted and toward the end, cherished and included. Then they moved on too. So I moved back home and pretended that even though I don't hear from them, at least I had the memories. Yeah, not so much.

Nursing school has been such a blessing in disguise, because even though it sucks and it's hard, and I cry more than ever (which is hard to believe, really, because I already was a crier..), it's forced me to find myself. In the mean time, I have made life long friends and found self-confidence in myself that I didn't even know existed. I suppose this is growing up. I kind of like it, even if there are sucky parts, there are good ones too!

I still haven't mastered the ability to "just be." I'm not sure I ever will, to be honest, but I'd like to try. And I would like to thank those who helped get me here, even if they don't know I'm doing it. And I'd like to thank those in my past who did leave - not in a malicious way but in a "thank-you-for-forcing-me-to-grow-up" way; even if I believe you went around it the wrong and most hurtful way, it was effective.