Oh, I Wanna Go Crazy!

It's not even that I want to anymore...it's that I am. I think I'm developing this irrational fear that if I ever go see a psychiatrist, they're going to want to admit me. At least I'll always be able to say that Nursing School is the reason. And an extremely fucking valid one at that.

I feel like cosmic interference is happening in lives all around me, but not actually in mine. Or maybe I'm just attuned to everyone else and have no freaking clue how to listen to myself. I don't doubt it, really. I'm so lost all the time, and no matter how well I think I mask it, I'm pretty sure I'm not fooling anyone. And if I am, well, I guess I'm not anymore. Hah.

God, I wish I were brave enough to just make a choice. All I seem to do is teeter between wanting to prove to myself that all the work I've done up to this point is worth it and realizing that all I'm ever going to be is miserable if I keep carrying on. Most of the time I tell myself that if I can get through this, then at least if I don't want it then I'll know I succeeded nonetheless. Honestly, passing with my sanity intact would be a fucking miracle.

So, here's the deal. What I'm learning is that sometimes it is braver to walk away than stay in something that is sinking you. (No worries, I'm 23 and way to stubborn to walk away. Besides, people usually become accustomed to being miserable, right. Isn't hating at least one job in your life a trademark of entering the adult stratosphere? Should I check that off my list early on? What's the consensus on that...)

I'm proud - no in awe - of people who can admit to themselves and everyone around them that they were wrong. Three simple words. They're almost as scary as "I love you," or "I am pregnant," or "You're a failure." And it's because they literally alter everything. I wonder if I'll ever be able to admit that. I suppose that's some food for later though. So, yeah. (ps, I am not pregnant, I most likely do not love you, and I'm sure most of you are not failures. There is my disclosure on that one.)

So, if your reading (you know who you are), I am SOO PROUD OF YOU. Live it up. Live it up for me too. And if you ever have a margarita craving - I'm your girl.

To everyone other awesome person out there who supports me without even really knowing me, you all do keep me floating. That's to all my fellow nursing peeps, in case you guys didn't catch that one. I may seem like I don't appreciate it and I may be a quiet, closed of little shit most of the time (sorry about that, i promise it's not personal. and to be cliche, it's me...not you), the kind words and steady encouragement mean more than you know.

You know, when I entered nursing school, I expected it to be hard. I honestly did. I had no idea, and I'm pretty sure I've come to terms with that. However, I did not expect emotional and mental upheaval. Damn - it's almost worse than the actual schooling. Sometimes I wish I was that closed off person that let nothing faze me. However, I was born (blessed or cursed is still up in the air) as an emotional basketcase, so that'll most likely never happen, and I'm sure I don't want it too.

Anyway, this is when I'm supposed to be studying and doing clinical paperwork and drowning myself in the world of Med-Surg nursing, so maybe I should get back to that. I guess. It's difficult when you're not actually into it.

But then again - who ever said life was easy or convenient?

No one I know, anyway.