Beach Baby

I'm a beach baby.

For as long as I can remember, I've been near the beach. When I was a child, mom and dad took us to the beach all the time.

I don't know when it happened, but at some point the beach became comfort. It wasn't until I moved to Tallahassee when I realized that. You know - the whole "you-don't-realize-what-you-have" thing. I found when I came back the first time, the only place that brought me peace was not my childhood home (although, I don't know why it surprised me...my childhood home is probably one of the most stressful environments I frequent), it was the beach.

There are very few places on this planet that instill a sense of wonder and calm than a beach - more specifically the ocean. On a gorgeous day, you can see the possibilities afforded to us as you gaze out.

But it's the cloudy days, when it's just about to rain, that get me the most. Those days where it's palpable in the air that something big is going to happen. Today was one of those days. School has been beating me to a pulp, and now that the finish line is so near it seems it's harder to cross every hurdle that continues to be tossed in our direction. Home life is miserable, and that's putting it nicely.

But that ocean - man was it majestic. I'll hold on to that.

Eggshells

Sometimes I wonder how my life gets so messed up. Am I supposed to make this many mistakes? Am I even making this many mistakes or is it just a case of me over reacting.

I've always said that my friendships mean the most to me, and yet I feel like I'm constantly letting people down.

My question is this: how do I know when to be selfish, and when to not. And why do I always feel like I need to perpetually walk on eggshells, even around the people who supposedly will never judge me. And will that compulsion ever go away?

Just Be

I went through this phase once that nobody knows about. Well, a few people do, but they're all random and for all intents and purposes people I met in the phase, but never in person. People who I grew to love and probably know me better than my so-called best friends do. It was a time where I was supposed to be exploring and experiencing and growing, but didn't. Soon, those people grew up and moved on, and I find myself in a similar position I promised myself I wouldn't get back into when I started nursing school. 

I wouldn't say that I've always been the most out-spoken and confident person. Actually, the opposite can be argued; no matter what front I put up or how much acting I do, I'm painfully shy. When I was a teenager, I somehow managed to surround myself with people that, through association, had to force myself to get over myself and just be. That's high school - sink or swim. I swam, barely, and incredibly self-consciously. In retrospect, those years that I have always considered the best of my life were probably the ones that caused me to drown. I lied a lot back then, and I'm sorry for that. Most of my "friends" probably knew...it's most likely a factor that let to the dissolving of said friendships. All I've ever wanted, still want, is to be that confident person that people want to be around while maintaining me.

Why is that so hard? To just be.

For some people, it's not. To them, it's synonymous with breathing. They live for adventure and new friends and experiences because they don't want life to pass them by. But what about the people who want the experience and the adventure but need a little more push, or just some encouragement? 

By the time I finished my first semester of college, I had fully converted into an introverted person that held no recognition. I had gained over 30 pounds, and felt so lost I didn't even realize I was lost. That went on for years. The realization just came recently, actually, and it's been 2 years in the making after I made my first scary life change. My "best friends" had gone to different schools and stopped answering my phone calls, and my roommate was the polar opposite of me. I went to class, went back to my dorm and ate. Repeat. Then I found an online community based on writing and I met wonderful people. 

People who I could pretend that I was confident and worldly with, and they couldn't call my bluff. They made me feel accepted and toward the end, cherished and included. Then they moved on too. So I moved back home and pretended that even though I don't hear from them, at least I had the memories. Yeah, not so much.

Nursing school has been such a blessing in disguise, because even though it sucks and it's hard, and I cry more than ever (which is hard to believe, really, because I already was a crier..), it's forced me to find myself. In the mean time, I have made life long friends and found self-confidence in myself that I didn't even know existed. I suppose this is growing up. I kind of like it, even if there are sucky parts, there are good ones too!

I still haven't mastered the ability to "just be." I'm not sure I ever will, to be honest, but I'd like to try. And I would like to thank those who helped get me here, even if they don't know I'm doing it. And I'd like to thank those in my past who did leave - not in a malicious way but in a "thank-you-for-forcing-me-to-grow-up" way; even if I believe you went around it the wrong and most hurtful way, it was effective.

It's Just..

A little crush.

You know those moments (as a girl, obviously) where you have this bulldoze you like it's nobody's business? Like, it comes from completely out of nowhere and then is relentless in it's attack?

Yeah, I don't have time for this right now. Especially when all I can think about is him, who probably doesn't even know I exist. Yeah, we're friends on Facebook...not that that means anything, anyway. Regardless of it all, I just found out (through some admittedly creepy stalking) that he's spoken for.

So, since apparently all my life will afford me right now is the trials and tribulations of school, I'll stick to that. At least I know how to deal with finishing up my program without looking like a blubbering idiot.

Hopefully.

Reflection

It seems today is a day of reflection.

So, first thing: I realized that my last post may have seemed like I only miss my past life because I'm so dramatically unhappy in my current one. While there might be some truth in the notion that I'm unhappy and more stressed much more often currently, I don't think that I'm necessarily so unhappy that I would want to take a step back into my past. Life is meant to change and move and grow, and I think that I'm starting to understand that. It's corny and cliche, but the truth is that most people I meet are not supposed to stay in my life for the rest of my life. Every person, experience, moment - they all have a reason for being at the point they are, and most times it is healthier for those to move on after they have made their impact.

I am positively blessed. I do not want for anything. I have the love and support of my family, no matter how hard I push them away, withdraw from them, and hurt them with words and actions. I have new (and old) friends who make me stop and realize that my world is not ending when I fail, and that I have had some of my best moments when I turn a failure into a success. I have people to constantly remind me when I make my bed, I have to sleep in it. This is something that is hard to learn for someone at any age, but at the tender age of 24, it's near impossible - because clearly I know everything at all times and no one else can be or is right.

I thought when I started nursing school, I would simply be learning a trade that would facilitate me in helping people and giving me the means to have live. I had naively figured that I would go through my 2 years, and maybe more, just learning the ropes of the profession while maintaining a life that I assumed I was content to live. I have learned so much more. I have learned patience - with myself and others. I have learned the beauty of life, and how fleeting that really is. I'm working on how to handle my stress load. I have learned that life is precious, and I shouldn't keep trying to control every single aspect - my life lessons and experiences will come as they may.

I have learned that there are some amazing people out there who teach me more than they know. They have taught me that sometimes, it is best to admit when it's time to walk away from something that just isn't working. That kind of strength is inspiring. They have taught me that sometimes, all you have to keep you floating are the people surrounding you who are struggling just as much as you. I have learned that life is really not as serious as I tend to make it to be. I have learned that some people, no matter how fun they are, may not be the best people to surround myself with when I'm trying to focus on a certain task at hand.

I treasure you, my people. You have made this experience more than just a crappy school situation. You have been instrumental in teaching me some things about this thing - this journey - that we're all on called life.

In other, not so deep and philosophical news, I saw Breaking Dawn last night. I'm not quite sure why I'm still so enamored by this series. I feel like I shouldn't be - I mean I can't even give an honest reason why I like it so much to people who ask. That coupled with the fact that the books really aren't written that well makes me feel like I shouldn't be. But I can vividly remember when I first read it. I got nothing done for that weekend (I read 1-3 in 2 days), and I'm pretty sure I failed an exam because of lack of studying, but man did it suck me in. The movies, well - they don't. It's really more fascination as to what they're gonna do with them than an actual appreciation for the movie, but I see them regardless. I had a good time. My sister is home visiting from her current home of New Mexico, and we met up with a friend we've known for about 12 years now, and it was a great time. We laughed and caught up and it felt like home. It was beautiful. The movie, well, it was amusing and I have this secret (well, maybe not so secret anymore) love for Robert Pattinson so it was worth it. A good night, I say. Needed. And definitely anticipated.

So now I am back to the grind. Less than a month to go now...let's get this done. To whomever is reading, thanks for humoring a girl's daily reflections.

Taking Hold

I came to the realization recently that I am an extraordinarily selfish person. I have been walking around in a fog, mostly because I'm so upset that certain people that I used to hold so dear to my heart disappeared out of my life. Maybe it was my fault - I've been so damn preoccupied with school and wallowing in my own self misery that I completely forgot about the people who used to put a smile on my face whenever I was sad/mad/whatever. I think it may be a mixture of jealousy that they're living their lives, finding love, settling down, making a contribution to the society, excelling in careers, etc., while I can't seem to freaking pass an exam.

I decided today that I'm going to start trying again. I want - no need - to make more of an effort to maintain my friendships that I used to hold so dear. I want to form new ones that will last. I can't keep only living my life through nursing school, it's not healthy for me. I'm not an idiot, I know that people will eventually walk away.

So, here's my start. I'm sorry to all of you beautiful people who have continued to support and love me even though I've been distant - even absent. I'm a different person now, but I would like to try to improve myself and regain (if possible) the level of friendship we shared. So, yeah. That's all.

Letting Go

The ability to let go - I think that it is an important thing to learn in a person's life.

I've realized that I have a way of holding onto memories so fiercely that I block from my view the reality I'm in.

People change. Yes, it's cliche - but it's true. People evolve and move on and just cease to be the people that I know and love.

Same can be said for me. I have changed, evolved, and become a completely different person since the advent of nursing school. And I like to blame school for all of the horrors going on in my life, but it's come to a a time where I have to step back and make a decision.

I feel like I'm in the proverbial limbo in regards to what my life was like 5 years ago and now. It makes me sad to think that the blinders have been taken off and that I now see relationships and friendships in a new light. It makes me sad to say I've grown past some of the friendships/relationships that are direct causes for the memories that I have clung to. But those people have clearly moved on. And I refuse to continue feeling like those friendships define who I am.

This is a positive thing. The people I find in my life are amazing, wonderful people who have made me a better person in every sense. I need to stop holding back in reciprocating those friendships. I need to find a way to move on just like the people I've held so dear in my life have done.

I shall try to succeed in this - the letting go of the past and embracing the future. It's scary as fuck, but I think that it will ultimately bring me back to happy, and I yearn for some more happy in my life.