Adventure

I'm beginning to really understand why people say that life is, or can be, an adventure.

In the past couple of months, I feel like I've learned a lot about, well, everything. I learned that if we had soulmates in countries, I found mine in Ireland. I'm not sure if I buy into the whole "soul mate" theory that is circulating out there. Maybe it's my inherent cynicism, or just the lack of evidence of existence that had brought me from my naivete into the world of disbelievers, but I think that the concept of "soul mates" is just a bunch of crock that people are raised to just believe. You know, like somewhere along the lines of organized religion or that people are fundamentally good.

Jeez, my cynicism is apparently out in full force today..

Anyway, if I could get myself to wrap my head around the concept of soul mates, why then could it not logically be applied to other aspects of life other than finding your mate, or whatever? Well, since I'm way over reading about newborn children right now, I found my mind wandering back to this past summer and the adventures I had over yonder in Europe. And, I came to the decision that Ireland is where I'm ultimately going to end up when I eventually make my move over to Europe.

Maybe it's all just coming from a profound sense of nostalgia. I really miss laughing - and by laughing I mean real laughing. Before Ireland, it had been so long since I'd felt remotely like myself. I've always been so harsh in judging my sister for sticking in a lifestyle and place that made her miserable from the inside out. I find it interesting that I can do the same thing without even realizing it. I supposed we're more alike than I anticipated.

Years ago (since I really don't remember when I actually made the decision, to be honest), when I decided to go into nursing, it seemed like it would be the thing to break me out of the funk, depression, whatever you'd like to call what I was feeling and put me on the path to feeling content again. Because really, that's what we all look for...right? Contentment? It didn't really. Actually, it probably made me even more stressed and insecure considering all the failure that was happening in my life at the time. I mean, there are snippets of awesome - like A&P 1 and meeting some of the people who became my biggest inspirations and some of my most beloved friends; or actually getting into a program and the validation of all the work I had done to get there. That validation totally made the journey, and consequently the adventure, worth it.

So here's my thing - when will the validation come for this stretch? And is it wrong for me to be looking for it? I need to know that all the anxiety and stress are working toward something. Afterall - I'm only human. Will it be if, and/or (hopefully) when I get my license to practice? Or will it be when I actually save a life? Will it be when the information actually starts connecting and making sense?

I'm trying to be better about being flexible with my adventure, but it's so hard! The insecurity is killing me!

I find all I want is a whiskey while sitting in a pub in Ireland surrounded by awesome.

Or maybe I just want different.

Exhilaration.

Something to bring me out of my shell and show not only the world, but myself, what I have to offer.

I supposed the answers will come with time. The ultimate test of patience is happening here in the life of me. In the meantime, I guess I'll just stick to the newborns, lack of sleep, and fond memories and hope that my current adventure will actually bring me closer to some answers.

Do You Believe In Magic?

Magic. Simply put.

Do you know when you first go somewhere, and it's all new and exciting and practically nothing can spoil the sense of wonder that you're experiencing? Well, to me, one of the saddest things in life is losing that sense of wonder. One might even argue that in anticipation of losing that, the idea of a brand new adventure just doensn't hold the kind of anticipation you get at the prospect of experiencing this feeling.

It's been four years since I walked on Irish ground, and I honestly forgot how magical this country is. I walked into comfort. This farm, and the people who call it home, have effortlessly extended this feeling to me by simply smiling and still being who when I saw them they were 4 years ago. And, although I've been here for all of 2 days, that have been filled with chaos and jet lag - it doesn't even matter, because the minute I walk out of the driveway of the farm and glance at the mountains down the road, smelling the fresh country air, I have a feeling of home.

I arrived to a party - one where my cousins and their friends put my outings to shame by epically step dancing to Lady Gaga. Nothing topped hearing my cousin singing "In My Father's House" and another one tackling Adele's "Someone Like You." Like I said, I'm home.

This feeling is going to be added to tonight, when in a half hour I will head down to the pub to hear my cousin sing traditional Irish music with a fresh pint of Guiness and/or Smithwicks.

Pictures will follow, hopefully, when I figure out how to post them without my computer.

Miss and love you all.

Bon Voyage

Well, I'm off for European adventures.

Maybe I'll blog, and maybe I won't. Check back to see.

Love you all!


ps, give me addresses if you want postcards.

Fear

Will I always be scared? It seems that even as I grow and evolve as a person, there is always an underlying fear present. Is that normal, or is it just me? Because every day I constantly find myself in awe of people around me and the things they accomplish. I'm not talking about astrophysicists or surgeons or anything like that...but more of the simple every day things. Things like forming bonds with people, watching a child, communicating with a stranger. Relationships.

But the word simple is misleading, isn't it? Because relationships - in any form, really - scare the ever living shit out of me. And yet I know several people who swear by them - who can't seem to find themselves sane without one. Then there are those who are always searching for them. It's like a relentless fucking treasure hunt that I just don't understand.

Maybe it's intertwined, though, this fear that I have and the idea of relationships. Because at the heart of it all, I've had this fear of rejection that is like this thick dark cloud hovering over everything I do and every person I meet. I'm not quite sure why my self esteem is so low, or if that's even the real problem.

I guess what I'm wondering is how do you get yourself to step through the fear and enter something that every instinct in yourself tells you to run from?

But I Fear

I have Nothing to give

I have so much to Lose here

in this Lonely place

Tangled up in our embrace

There's nothing I'd like

Better than to Fall

But I Fear I Have Nothing Left To Give

Out of Control

So, I disappeared from life.

It was extremely necessary.

There are so many things that seem to be out of my control lately. I never really realized, nor considered myself, to be a person who needed to be in control until I entered what I can only describe as the alternate universe that is nursing school. I think this is because I feel like ever since day one, I have felt out of control.

I should have trusted my gut, way back when frontloading seemed to be the scariest thing out there. But I didn't, because I'm stubborn and thought I was good enough for this. I had a sense of entitlement because I managed to get accepted to PBSC nursing school. Clearly, all the hard work was done and it would be smooth sailing. Psh.

I have never been more wrong in my life. I have never been so stripped raw, nor have I questioned myself and my abilities as I do now. On so many levels, this career seems so wrong. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. I've repeatedly gotten beaten up and then kicked in the kidneys some more for good measure, and on top of that I'm pretty sure I'm killing my liver.

I must be masochistic. Yeah - that's it. Because even though I have to fight with myself to get out of bed in the morning and start another day, the thought of not doing so physically sickens me some days. When will I finally decide either way? That's an awesome question, and one that I would really appreciate the answer to..

In other areas of my absurd life, Miami and Ft. Lauderdale - epic. What's funny though, is the person that I was there isn't me. I'm not a raging alcoholic party animal (although I'm pretty sure everyone and their mother in the nursing program who never knew the person I was before I lost my mind would probably debate that...). However, it's all I seem to want to do lately, because it's freeing. I think part of it is that if I'm going to have to feel out of control, I might as well feel good while I'm doing it. Man, how fucked up is that? Anyway, I'm really not sure what happened on either night, but here's my philosophy about that...it must have been an awesome (and completely necessary) night.

I have the best friends in the world. I've been fortunate to meet the greatest people. Honestly, one of the only good things that PBSC has given me is the opportunity to learn from and befriend some of the best people in the world (imho).

I'm trying to remain positive. It's just gotten near impossible and it's slowly killing me. So I'd like to tribute to my people - the close ones that have stuck with me through thick and thin and the new ones that have given me the opportunity to see the awesome that is still out there.

True to my apparent new alcoholic self, I toast you:

"A Toast

To Nearest

To Dearest

To the Crew

To Cahoots

To the Ones Who've Been There

To the Ones Who'll Be There

To Dropping Everything

To Saying Anything

To No Judgements

To No Doubts

To Loyalty

To Trust

To Favors

To Lifelongs

To Been To Long

To Nothing's Changed

To Having History

To Having Your Back 

To Moving Away

To Never Too Far

To Growing Up

To Settling Down

To Your Second Family

TO FRIENDS."

I don't know who reads this, but if you do I'm pretty sure you're a friend in some capacity. Thank you for being you.

I appreciate you.

Laughter

I love how life continuously reminds me to never underestimate the power of laughter.

I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have the ability to constantly see the humor in everything around me, I'd be one miserable S.O.B. Well, more miserable than I currently am, anyway.

This is a short blog post sending out my appreciation for the people who constantly take the serious out of my serious; the people who instinctively know when I need a reminder that most of the things that occur in my life are not as serious as I make them.

This is a blog post for the people who constantly remind me that smiling can change someone's entire day - even if that someone is yourself.

This is for the people who remind me that yes, I am the world's greatest clutz - and that attribute is essential to me letting go and just embracing my quirks. I mean, so what if I nearly face plant in the middle of the cafeteria? That shit's funny.

This is for my people who don't let me dwell on the fact that I fail, and that I do it a lot. Because really, that's how I learn best.

Thank you for keeping me humble. Thank you for reminding me that life is what I make of it - and I want fun.

And while I seem to be finding fun damn near impossible in nursing school, thank you for managing to prove me wrong every time.

Change

I have never had such a good time and simultaneously felt so isolated in my life. Or maybe I have, and never quite paid attention to it?

There is something to be said for growing up. I mean, it's a bitch of a process and a painful one at that.

Change is good, right?

I understand that people grow apart, I really do. But I hate how much it hurts.





I also hate how I can't make my personal happiness a priority right now, because nursing school does not allow for that. I would love to say that everything is going great, and that I love this, but I would be lying. And I hate liars.

I have lived a stunning 23 years. I am not foolish enough to think that life has thrown insurmountable issues in my face. I have made good decisions and horrendous ones. I have made horrible mistakes and loved and lost, and I'm just getting started at it. Where the problem comes in is that I want to hold onto the memories that have made my life stunning. But I feel like life is not allowing me that pleasure.

I'm learning that I need to make new bliss. I need to find my stunning in the here and now. I'd like to think that things will magically go back to high school, but they won't. So much has changed since then. God...it's only been 5 years. I feel fortunate and blessed that I have certain people in my life now that I had then, and I will always do so.


I don't know who actually reads this, or if anyone does, but if you are - I still love the crap out of you. I always will.

I need to make this work. I need to get out of this rut that I'm in. And I believe I can do it. Sort of. I don't really have a choice. I don't want to be miserable and blah, blah, blah. I'm working on this growing up thing...it's a lot harder than it looks.

But I'm trying.