Reflection

It seems today is a day of reflection.

So, first thing: I realized that my last post may have seemed like I only miss my past life because I'm so dramatically unhappy in my current one. While there might be some truth in the notion that I'm unhappy and more stressed much more often currently, I don't think that I'm necessarily so unhappy that I would want to take a step back into my past. Life is meant to change and move and grow, and I think that I'm starting to understand that. It's corny and cliche, but the truth is that most people I meet are not supposed to stay in my life for the rest of my life. Every person, experience, moment - they all have a reason for being at the point they are, and most times it is healthier for those to move on after they have made their impact.

I am positively blessed. I do not want for anything. I have the love and support of my family, no matter how hard I push them away, withdraw from them, and hurt them with words and actions. I have new (and old) friends who make me stop and realize that my world is not ending when I fail, and that I have had some of my best moments when I turn a failure into a success. I have people to constantly remind me when I make my bed, I have to sleep in it. This is something that is hard to learn for someone at any age, but at the tender age of 24, it's near impossible - because clearly I know everything at all times and no one else can be or is right.

I thought when I started nursing school, I would simply be learning a trade that would facilitate me in helping people and giving me the means to have live. I had naively figured that I would go through my 2 years, and maybe more, just learning the ropes of the profession while maintaining a life that I assumed I was content to live. I have learned so much more. I have learned patience - with myself and others. I have learned the beauty of life, and how fleeting that really is. I'm working on how to handle my stress load. I have learned that life is precious, and I shouldn't keep trying to control every single aspect - my life lessons and experiences will come as they may.

I have learned that there are some amazing people out there who teach me more than they know. They have taught me that sometimes, it is best to admit when it's time to walk away from something that just isn't working. That kind of strength is inspiring. They have taught me that sometimes, all you have to keep you floating are the people surrounding you who are struggling just as much as you. I have learned that life is really not as serious as I tend to make it to be. I have learned that some people, no matter how fun they are, may not be the best people to surround myself with when I'm trying to focus on a certain task at hand.

I treasure you, my people. You have made this experience more than just a crappy school situation. You have been instrumental in teaching me some things about this thing - this journey - that we're all on called life.

In other, not so deep and philosophical news, I saw Breaking Dawn last night. I'm not quite sure why I'm still so enamored by this series. I feel like I shouldn't be - I mean I can't even give an honest reason why I like it so much to people who ask. That coupled with the fact that the books really aren't written that well makes me feel like I shouldn't be. But I can vividly remember when I first read it. I got nothing done for that weekend (I read 1-3 in 2 days), and I'm pretty sure I failed an exam because of lack of studying, but man did it suck me in. The movies, well - they don't. It's really more fascination as to what they're gonna do with them than an actual appreciation for the movie, but I see them regardless. I had a good time. My sister is home visiting from her current home of New Mexico, and we met up with a friend we've known for about 12 years now, and it was a great time. We laughed and caught up and it felt like home. It was beautiful. The movie, well, it was amusing and I have this secret (well, maybe not so secret anymore) love for Robert Pattinson so it was worth it. A good night, I say. Needed. And definitely anticipated.

So now I am back to the grind. Less than a month to go now...let's get this done. To whomever is reading, thanks for humoring a girl's daily reflections.

Taking Hold

I came to the realization recently that I am an extraordinarily selfish person. I have been walking around in a fog, mostly because I'm so upset that certain people that I used to hold so dear to my heart disappeared out of my life. Maybe it was my fault - I've been so damn preoccupied with school and wallowing in my own self misery that I completely forgot about the people who used to put a smile on my face whenever I was sad/mad/whatever. I think it may be a mixture of jealousy that they're living their lives, finding love, settling down, making a contribution to the society, excelling in careers, etc., while I can't seem to freaking pass an exam.

I decided today that I'm going to start trying again. I want - no need - to make more of an effort to maintain my friendships that I used to hold so dear. I want to form new ones that will last. I can't keep only living my life through nursing school, it's not healthy for me. I'm not an idiot, I know that people will eventually walk away.

So, here's my start. I'm sorry to all of you beautiful people who have continued to support and love me even though I've been distant - even absent. I'm a different person now, but I would like to try to improve myself and regain (if possible) the level of friendship we shared. So, yeah. That's all.

Letting Go

The ability to let go - I think that it is an important thing to learn in a person's life.

I've realized that I have a way of holding onto memories so fiercely that I block from my view the reality I'm in.

People change. Yes, it's cliche - but it's true. People evolve and move on and just cease to be the people that I know and love.

Same can be said for me. I have changed, evolved, and become a completely different person since the advent of nursing school. And I like to blame school for all of the horrors going on in my life, but it's come to a a time where I have to step back and make a decision.

I feel like I'm in the proverbial limbo in regards to what my life was like 5 years ago and now. It makes me sad to think that the blinders have been taken off and that I now see relationships and friendships in a new light. It makes me sad to say I've grown past some of the friendships/relationships that are direct causes for the memories that I have clung to. But those people have clearly moved on. And I refuse to continue feeling like those friendships define who I am.

This is a positive thing. The people I find in my life are amazing, wonderful people who have made me a better person in every sense. I need to stop holding back in reciprocating those friendships. I need to find a way to move on just like the people I've held so dear in my life have done.

I shall try to succeed in this - the letting go of the past and embracing the future. It's scary as fuck, but I think that it will ultimately bring me back to happy, and I yearn for some more happy in my life.

Adventure

I'm beginning to really understand why people say that life is, or can be, an adventure.

In the past couple of months, I feel like I've learned a lot about, well, everything. I learned that if we had soulmates in countries, I found mine in Ireland. I'm not sure if I buy into the whole "soul mate" theory that is circulating out there. Maybe it's my inherent cynicism, or just the lack of evidence of existence that had brought me from my naivete into the world of disbelievers, but I think that the concept of "soul mates" is just a bunch of crock that people are raised to just believe. You know, like somewhere along the lines of organized religion or that people are fundamentally good.

Jeez, my cynicism is apparently out in full force today..

Anyway, if I could get myself to wrap my head around the concept of soul mates, why then could it not logically be applied to other aspects of life other than finding your mate, or whatever? Well, since I'm way over reading about newborn children right now, I found my mind wandering back to this past summer and the adventures I had over yonder in Europe. And, I came to the decision that Ireland is where I'm ultimately going to end up when I eventually make my move over to Europe.

Maybe it's all just coming from a profound sense of nostalgia. I really miss laughing - and by laughing I mean real laughing. Before Ireland, it had been so long since I'd felt remotely like myself. I've always been so harsh in judging my sister for sticking in a lifestyle and place that made her miserable from the inside out. I find it interesting that I can do the same thing without even realizing it. I supposed we're more alike than I anticipated.

Years ago (since I really don't remember when I actually made the decision, to be honest), when I decided to go into nursing, it seemed like it would be the thing to break me out of the funk, depression, whatever you'd like to call what I was feeling and put me on the path to feeling content again. Because really, that's what we all look for...right? Contentment? It didn't really. Actually, it probably made me even more stressed and insecure considering all the failure that was happening in my life at the time. I mean, there are snippets of awesome - like A&P 1 and meeting some of the people who became my biggest inspirations and some of my most beloved friends; or actually getting into a program and the validation of all the work I had done to get there. That validation totally made the journey, and consequently the adventure, worth it.

So here's my thing - when will the validation come for this stretch? And is it wrong for me to be looking for it? I need to know that all the anxiety and stress are working toward something. Afterall - I'm only human. Will it be if, and/or (hopefully) when I get my license to practice? Or will it be when I actually save a life? Will it be when the information actually starts connecting and making sense?

I'm trying to be better about being flexible with my adventure, but it's so hard! The insecurity is killing me!

I find all I want is a whiskey while sitting in a pub in Ireland surrounded by awesome.

Or maybe I just want different.

Exhilaration.

Something to bring me out of my shell and show not only the world, but myself, what I have to offer.

I supposed the answers will come with time. The ultimate test of patience is happening here in the life of me. In the meantime, I guess I'll just stick to the newborns, lack of sleep, and fond memories and hope that my current adventure will actually bring me closer to some answers.

Do You Believe In Magic?

Magic. Simply put.

Do you know when you first go somewhere, and it's all new and exciting and practically nothing can spoil the sense of wonder that you're experiencing? Well, to me, one of the saddest things in life is losing that sense of wonder. One might even argue that in anticipation of losing that, the idea of a brand new adventure just doensn't hold the kind of anticipation you get at the prospect of experiencing this feeling.

It's been four years since I walked on Irish ground, and I honestly forgot how magical this country is. I walked into comfort. This farm, and the people who call it home, have effortlessly extended this feeling to me by simply smiling and still being who when I saw them they were 4 years ago. And, although I've been here for all of 2 days, that have been filled with chaos and jet lag - it doesn't even matter, because the minute I walk out of the driveway of the farm and glance at the mountains down the road, smelling the fresh country air, I have a feeling of home.

I arrived to a party - one where my cousins and their friends put my outings to shame by epically step dancing to Lady Gaga. Nothing topped hearing my cousin singing "In My Father's House" and another one tackling Adele's "Someone Like You." Like I said, I'm home.

This feeling is going to be added to tonight, when in a half hour I will head down to the pub to hear my cousin sing traditional Irish music with a fresh pint of Guiness and/or Smithwicks.

Pictures will follow, hopefully, when I figure out how to post them without my computer.

Miss and love you all.

Bon Voyage

Well, I'm off for European adventures.

Maybe I'll blog, and maybe I won't. Check back to see.

Love you all!


ps, give me addresses if you want postcards.

Fear

Will I always be scared? It seems that even as I grow and evolve as a person, there is always an underlying fear present. Is that normal, or is it just me? Because every day I constantly find myself in awe of people around me and the things they accomplish. I'm not talking about astrophysicists or surgeons or anything like that...but more of the simple every day things. Things like forming bonds with people, watching a child, communicating with a stranger. Relationships.

But the word simple is misleading, isn't it? Because relationships - in any form, really - scare the ever living shit out of me. And yet I know several people who swear by them - who can't seem to find themselves sane without one. Then there are those who are always searching for them. It's like a relentless fucking treasure hunt that I just don't understand.

Maybe it's intertwined, though, this fear that I have and the idea of relationships. Because at the heart of it all, I've had this fear of rejection that is like this thick dark cloud hovering over everything I do and every person I meet. I'm not quite sure why my self esteem is so low, or if that's even the real problem.

I guess what I'm wondering is how do you get yourself to step through the fear and enter something that every instinct in yourself tells you to run from?

But I Fear

I have Nothing to give

I have so much to Lose here

in this Lonely place

Tangled up in our embrace

There's nothing I'd like

Better than to Fall

But I Fear I Have Nothing Left To Give

Out of Control

So, I disappeared from life.

It was extremely necessary.

There are so many things that seem to be out of my control lately. I never really realized, nor considered myself, to be a person who needed to be in control until I entered what I can only describe as the alternate universe that is nursing school. I think this is because I feel like ever since day one, I have felt out of control.

I should have trusted my gut, way back when frontloading seemed to be the scariest thing out there. But I didn't, because I'm stubborn and thought I was good enough for this. I had a sense of entitlement because I managed to get accepted to PBSC nursing school. Clearly, all the hard work was done and it would be smooth sailing. Psh.

I have never been more wrong in my life. I have never been so stripped raw, nor have I questioned myself and my abilities as I do now. On so many levels, this career seems so wrong. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. I've repeatedly gotten beaten up and then kicked in the kidneys some more for good measure, and on top of that I'm pretty sure I'm killing my liver.

I must be masochistic. Yeah - that's it. Because even though I have to fight with myself to get out of bed in the morning and start another day, the thought of not doing so physically sickens me some days. When will I finally decide either way? That's an awesome question, and one that I would really appreciate the answer to..

In other areas of my absurd life, Miami and Ft. Lauderdale - epic. What's funny though, is the person that I was there isn't me. I'm not a raging alcoholic party animal (although I'm pretty sure everyone and their mother in the nursing program who never knew the person I was before I lost my mind would probably debate that...). However, it's all I seem to want to do lately, because it's freeing. I think part of it is that if I'm going to have to feel out of control, I might as well feel good while I'm doing it. Man, how fucked up is that? Anyway, I'm really not sure what happened on either night, but here's my philosophy about that...it must have been an awesome (and completely necessary) night.

I have the best friends in the world. I've been fortunate to meet the greatest people. Honestly, one of the only good things that PBSC has given me is the opportunity to learn from and befriend some of the best people in the world (imho).

I'm trying to remain positive. It's just gotten near impossible and it's slowly killing me. So I'd like to tribute to my people - the close ones that have stuck with me through thick and thin and the new ones that have given me the opportunity to see the awesome that is still out there.

True to my apparent new alcoholic self, I toast you:

"A Toast

To Nearest

To Dearest

To the Crew

To Cahoots

To the Ones Who've Been There

To the Ones Who'll Be There

To Dropping Everything

To Saying Anything

To No Judgements

To No Doubts

To Loyalty

To Trust

To Favors

To Lifelongs

To Been To Long

To Nothing's Changed

To Having History

To Having Your Back 

To Moving Away

To Never Too Far

To Growing Up

To Settling Down

To Your Second Family

TO FRIENDS."

I don't know who reads this, but if you do I'm pretty sure you're a friend in some capacity. Thank you for being you.

I appreciate you.

Laughter

I love how life continuously reminds me to never underestimate the power of laughter.

I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have the ability to constantly see the humor in everything around me, I'd be one miserable S.O.B. Well, more miserable than I currently am, anyway.

This is a short blog post sending out my appreciation for the people who constantly take the serious out of my serious; the people who instinctively know when I need a reminder that most of the things that occur in my life are not as serious as I make them.

This is a blog post for the people who constantly remind me that smiling can change someone's entire day - even if that someone is yourself.

This is for the people who remind me that yes, I am the world's greatest clutz - and that attribute is essential to me letting go and just embracing my quirks. I mean, so what if I nearly face plant in the middle of the cafeteria? That shit's funny.

This is for my people who don't let me dwell on the fact that I fail, and that I do it a lot. Because really, that's how I learn best.

Thank you for keeping me humble. Thank you for reminding me that life is what I make of it - and I want fun.

And while I seem to be finding fun damn near impossible in nursing school, thank you for managing to prove me wrong every time.

Change

I have never had such a good time and simultaneously felt so isolated in my life. Or maybe I have, and never quite paid attention to it?

There is something to be said for growing up. I mean, it's a bitch of a process and a painful one at that.

Change is good, right?

I understand that people grow apart, I really do. But I hate how much it hurts.





I also hate how I can't make my personal happiness a priority right now, because nursing school does not allow for that. I would love to say that everything is going great, and that I love this, but I would be lying. And I hate liars.

I have lived a stunning 23 years. I am not foolish enough to think that life has thrown insurmountable issues in my face. I have made good decisions and horrendous ones. I have made horrible mistakes and loved and lost, and I'm just getting started at it. Where the problem comes in is that I want to hold onto the memories that have made my life stunning. But I feel like life is not allowing me that pleasure.

I'm learning that I need to make new bliss. I need to find my stunning in the here and now. I'd like to think that things will magically go back to high school, but they won't. So much has changed since then. God...it's only been 5 years. I feel fortunate and blessed that I have certain people in my life now that I had then, and I will always do so.


I don't know who actually reads this, or if anyone does, but if you are - I still love the crap out of you. I always will.

I need to make this work. I need to get out of this rut that I'm in. And I believe I can do it. Sort of. I don't really have a choice. I don't want to be miserable and blah, blah, blah. I'm working on this growing up thing...it's a lot harder than it looks.

But I'm trying.

Readings for Unit 3

Easier to post here:

Inflammatory Processes:
-Phlebitis: 308-309
-Esophagitis/Stomatitis: 629r, 997, 1000t, 1005
-Otitis Media: 1801; 1813-1815
-Peptic Ulcer Disease: 1047-1055
-Hiatal Hernia (HH): 692t; 1012-1013; 1013f
-GERD: 1014-1015; 1302-1303
-BPH/Hyperplasia: 1514-1516; 1302-1303

Inflammation Infections Processes:
-IBD/IBS: 1080-1096
-Appendicitis: 1075-1077
-Diverticulitis: 1077-1080
-Peritonitis: 1080-1081; (1311, 1340-1341)
-Crohn's Disease & Ulcerative Colitis: 1081-1096

Malignancies:
Chapter 16 (336-392)

*Let me know if any of this is not right, guys. :)

What Do You Want From Me?

Wow.

Talk about epic. And not in a good way.

I'm not sure what the f*ck this program thinks they're doing, but it's certainly not testing me on the information they are shoving down my throat. Not that bitching in any way would change a thing because NO ONE LISTENS TO THE STUDENTS.

But whatever. I clearly know nothing, and am not worth my teacher's aka mentor's aka program's time, so I'll just do it here. To my lovely blog readers, of which I probably have 2.

I do, however, fully appreciate my mother's advice: take a shot, cry, take another shot, break something, take another shot and watch shitty TV.

Well, I'm on it, mom.

Oh, I Wanna Go Crazy!

It's not even that I want to anymore...it's that I am. I think I'm developing this irrational fear that if I ever go see a psychiatrist, they're going to want to admit me. At least I'll always be able to say that Nursing School is the reason. And an extremely fucking valid one at that.

I feel like cosmic interference is happening in lives all around me, but not actually in mine. Or maybe I'm just attuned to everyone else and have no freaking clue how to listen to myself. I don't doubt it, really. I'm so lost all the time, and no matter how well I think I mask it, I'm pretty sure I'm not fooling anyone. And if I am, well, I guess I'm not anymore. Hah.

God, I wish I were brave enough to just make a choice. All I seem to do is teeter between wanting to prove to myself that all the work I've done up to this point is worth it and realizing that all I'm ever going to be is miserable if I keep carrying on. Most of the time I tell myself that if I can get through this, then at least if I don't want it then I'll know I succeeded nonetheless. Honestly, passing with my sanity intact would be a fucking miracle.

So, here's the deal. What I'm learning is that sometimes it is braver to walk away than stay in something that is sinking you. (No worries, I'm 23 and way to stubborn to walk away. Besides, people usually become accustomed to being miserable, right. Isn't hating at least one job in your life a trademark of entering the adult stratosphere? Should I check that off my list early on? What's the consensus on that...)

I'm proud - no in awe - of people who can admit to themselves and everyone around them that they were wrong. Three simple words. They're almost as scary as "I love you," or "I am pregnant," or "You're a failure." And it's because they literally alter everything. I wonder if I'll ever be able to admit that. I suppose that's some food for later though. So, yeah. (ps, I am not pregnant, I most likely do not love you, and I'm sure most of you are not failures. There is my disclosure on that one.)

So, if your reading (you know who you are), I am SOO PROUD OF YOU. Live it up. Live it up for me too. And if you ever have a margarita craving - I'm your girl.

To everyone other awesome person out there who supports me without even really knowing me, you all do keep me floating. That's to all my fellow nursing peeps, in case you guys didn't catch that one. I may seem like I don't appreciate it and I may be a quiet, closed of little shit most of the time (sorry about that, i promise it's not personal. and to be cliche, it's me...not you), the kind words and steady encouragement mean more than you know.

You know, when I entered nursing school, I expected it to be hard. I honestly did. I had no idea, and I'm pretty sure I've come to terms with that. However, I did not expect emotional and mental upheaval. Damn - it's almost worse than the actual schooling. Sometimes I wish I was that closed off person that let nothing faze me. However, I was born (blessed or cursed is still up in the air) as an emotional basketcase, so that'll most likely never happen, and I'm sure I don't want it too.

Anyway, this is when I'm supposed to be studying and doing clinical paperwork and drowning myself in the world of Med-Surg nursing, so maybe I should get back to that. I guess. It's difficult when you're not actually into it.

But then again - who ever said life was easy or convenient?

No one I know, anyway.

I...

I hate this.

I hate how this program is turning amazingly beautiful, confident people into...not. I hate that this program has teasingly supplied me with a social life, it has also said, "Oh hey - I'm going to give you too much to possibly do so you don't even think about making plans." So there's where I'm at about nursing school.

I feel like no matter how much I study, I don't understand. Helpless...maybe that's what it is.

I feel something just short of devastation because I just found out my best friend is most likely not going to be able to go on the Europe trip that we've been planning for near 4 years now.

I feel resignation in the fact that I don't understand.

The house has been crazy. We have guests from England here with their adorable 6 mo. old baby, who seems to be taking over all my attention...and that's my decision. 

I have a shit ton of work to do for school and no motivation to do so. I didn't pass my first exam (I'm not wholly surprised, I can't seem to pass anything in this damn program), and I'm not so much a fan of floor nursing in the hospital. That and I think I'm developing some serious anxiety in my life.

So, while my world seems to slowly be unraveling (it seems like epically fast, but I know in reality it isn't), I seem to just be hanging on by a thread. So I shall continue doing so, knowing that deep down I'm not the only one and I'm certainly not the worst-off person in this program by any means, and keep reminding myself that shit happens, and I just need to keep soldiering on.

Someone, for the love of whatever, please make me smile..?

Productivity

Today was a productive day.

However, before you get excited....does it count if it doesn't have anything to do (directly) with nursing school..? It's a dilemma I've been pondering all day today.

However, I did manage to assemble my own "mini-office" today in my twin sisters vacated room.

It looks all chic and as a friend said "corporate." However, I must remind you that I have not yet had the opportunity to take the books so lovingly organized in the bookshelf you see above and spread them across the nice, clean desk you see. However, I must say that I am very optimistic about this setup, only because it is only me in here...it's not the dad's desk where people circulate in and out of the room like crazy. So hopefully, I'll be much more productive this time.

Anywho, this weekend hasn't been bad, but I have been finding it very difficult to get into the Semester 2 studying thing. There is just something about the material we need to absorb this semester that puts me to sleep. Literally. That scares me, because we're only going onto week 2. This does not bode well. Clinical isn't much better, but then I guess it could always be worse. And, I've heard that patience is a necessary trait for those in my chosen profession, so I suppose it's good practice.

However, I do have to say that I enjoy my skills group and lecture peeps immensely. I thought that I would be utterly lost with Steph's crossing over to the dark side (aka, online), but it really isn't that bad. Granted, I'm with a completely different group of people - but that's not necessarily bad, just different.

I guess I really can't complain much. I am surrounded by awesome people and people that make me feel sane (And right now, that is a novelty that I am reveling in). So, in the grand scale of things, I'm doing well.

So, even if I wasn't productive in my schoolwork today, at least I had a good day.

Shall we see what tomorrow brings?

It is what it Is.

I believe in fate.

I believe that we are all led to wherever we are at any given moment for a reason, and that no matter what the situation is, we need to just get through it and learn from it.

It's no secret to anyone that I have serious questions about this program and my future in the nursing profession. I have, (like a feel most students would), several anxieties about the tasks that I am supposed to complete in the time frame I've been given. Clinical is a bitch, and most of the time I feel like I know nothing. (Now, on the off chance that one of you random readers will one day, in fact, be my patient - no worries...I'm getting there. And, I'm really good at faking..) The amount of reading and studying I'm responsible for is absurd - I'm already behind and it's the 2nd week of classes. (It really doesn't help the the textbooks put me to sleep. Literally). Not to mention the social aspect has changed, albeit subtly, but changed nonetheless. I'm still not sure how I feel about that, to be honest.

The problem is that I was spoiled in my first semester in all aspects. Of course, I didn't think so then...but hindsight is 20/20, right? I had the greatest clinical group, ever. I'm talking about the kind that even if we're all in opposite sides of the county (quite literally, really), we will have lasting friendships and awesome memories. My instructors were great, and I'm hard pressed to find complaints about the facilities I was in. Now, how in the hell do you compete with that? Answer: you don't.

This semester is going to be interesting. I miss the camaraderie that I had not only with my classmates, but also with the instructor. Not so much anymore, but that's okay...because it happened for a reason, right...? Maybe I'm being premature...but you know that feeling you get when you find yourself prey to a iffy first impression...? Is that enough said? All I can say is thank god for Jess....

So, here's the deal. The point of all this rambling was to tell a humorous (well, I thought it was, anyway..) story that shows how I can have positive feelings about where fate has brought me so far. One of my clinical classmates, whom I will not reveal the name, made me feel better about myself today. This classmate could not figure out how to work the thermometer, and proceeded to ask me for assistance.

........

This is where you all should, a) be laughing hysterically or b) have looks of dismay on your awesome faces.

I'll tell you this, though - it made me feel like the smartest bastard on the planet at the time.

So here's my realization for today: I can do this. I may or may not want it anymore, but I can do it. I soooo don't feel any ounce of confidence in anything (yet), but I know, at the very least, how to work a thermometer. 

I'm...

Not a fan.

I just have to keep reminding myself - power of positive thinking.


Word of warning - the next couple of months could get ugly.

Follow my blog with bloglovin

Crossroads

I feel like I am stuck at a fork in a road. You know - one of those paths that inevitably makes you choose a direction knowing that the only thing you will be able to do is live with the consequences it puts forth - good or bad. It worries me, because every which way I look at it I only see bad. Maybe it's because I can't seem to get myself out of this funk where every single damn glass is half empty. These negative feelings and thoughts are atrocious...they somehow seem to swallow me up whole and turn everything gray.

Damn I'm melodramatic.

I'm wining. And I hate that. But I hate the place that I find myself at right now.

Nursing always seemed so right. I look back at my previous posts (albeit, they were scant, I know..) and realize that once upon a time the thought of this did feel right. I want to feel that again, but every experience I've had so far is slowly, but surely, pushing me away from the career that I've fought so hard to achieve a place in.

My parents say that nothing in the world is out of someone's reach if they want it badly enough. In fact, the faith that others have in my "abilities" astounds me on a daily basis. You people are seeing something that I really don't see, and while it's flattering it's even more so frustrating, because I really do feel as if I'm wading in a rip current that keeps bringing me under. I don't want to give up, but I fear I'm losing the will to fight for it all. This shit is hard, and it's near impossible when you still don't even know if it's what you want.

Here's my question: how long do you fight for something when everything else is signaling for you to move on?

Re-emergence to the Blogging Universe

I'm pretty sure no one reads this, but I find that finding a mode of venting and all around making fun of myself is becoming necessary in my life.

Nursing school is hell.

However, I am determined to figure out a way to succeed in it. Positive thinking is something that I've been struggling with lately, for many different factors that are both personal and common knowledge. However, it was at points the only thing that got me through some hurdles last year. I'm hoping it will continue to be effective.

So, really, this is going to be me rambling. If you find it interesting, awesome. Follow away. If not, go away. Either way, let's have some good times.