I can't say it's entirely from a lack of time...although, most of the time I feel like such a frenzied mess that it could almost be argued that's the case.
Graduation: check mark.
New job: check mark.
New place: check mark.
Social life: not so much.
Boyfriend: yeah...about that.
Work: kicking my ass.
Insecurity: got that.
I'm not content where I'm at, though. Is that a good thing? I can't decide. That feeling of discontent - it drives me. It drives me to do better; to be better. I pride myself on the good things I do...and even with my insecurity in overdrive, even I can acknowledge when I do something right. But my problem is I seem to have an inability to focus on those good things and focus only on the "oops" moments I have. I'd like to say I'm working on that, but well, I'm a work in progress.
I want to be happy and really mean it when someone asks me if I'm okay, smile so big and free that it hurts my cheeks - feel the ache long after that smile has gone, simply to remember it was once there.
There are so many things I long to plan and learn: see the world and not be afraid to explore it, experience the warmth of the bluest ocean on my skin, try the finest foods, meet the smartest people the world has to offer. I want to feel the sun on my cheeks, the wind in my hair, hear the sounds of my shoes as they scuff along the tarmac and concrete foreign cities.
I want to be able to meet the eyes of others in the street around me and smile because I have to but feel like its okay to not always be polite to those I don't know - that I don't have to follow what is right.
For once, I want to do what I want and bear no consequences, even if they start just as small as something like that.
And more than anything, I want to want these things enough to actually go ahead with them, and no longer hide in my shell.
Like I said, a work in progress.
