Nostalgia

Wow - it's been a while.  I had forgotten how therapeutic this blogging for myself thing is.  So, I guess here goes. 

Sometimes I have moments of nostalgia that leave me breathless.  I have such a wonderful life, and I usually try to just keep living in the now.  But the “now” is sometimes just not as breathtaking as the “then” was.  Maybe it’s because now my life is so adult – work, bills, meetings, etc.   I have always been the type to be prone to maintaining my wallflower status.  Insecurities are a bitch, and as much as I can self-validate, I can’t seem to escape my own head.  

I miss my “youthful” days.  Jeesh, that statement is so…just…ugh.  I am youthful.  I have everything to offer to the world.  I am a steadfast and solid person, an awesome friend, and a vibrant human being.  I recognize all this, so why am I so scared to share that with the world?  How do people overcome the whole insecurity thing?  I just feel so lost, and then I remember the people who took that away – that sense of disconnect.  And the funny thing about that is I’m so not connected with them anymore, which is the worst part. 

So now I find myself I going through pictures and clinging to memories of drunken beach nights, musicals, long drives blasting 90s music and green alcoholic smoothies.  And don’t get me wrong – I have a wonderful life and amazing people who I wouldn’t trade for the world – but I miss my days of not caring about anything bigger than memorizing lines, passing AP Euro, and figuring out how to sneak out of the house without being caught.  And while I admit it has been years, and I am more likely than not romanticizing these memories, they still bring me the most happiness. 

I am blessed. 

But I feel so alone. 

Exhaustion

I'm exhausted - mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I suppose it's the "good" kind of exhaustion, for the most part. My job is demanding, moreso than I ever imagined. I do believe that it is a good thing I  have something to focus on; a craft to hone and make my own, even if I don't know what the future holds.

So many things have happened as of late. Deaths and births, beginnings and endings. Friendships have waned and/or strengthened. At some point I decided (moreso so subconsiously than not) that I am going to through myself full force into my job that I thought I always wanted yet continue to feel completely out of my depth in. And I feel a shift in relation to this, similar to the the one nursing school caused.

I'm changing again. Meeting new people, lovely and fantastic people. Relationships are being strengthened, and I am growing even more into myself and the people I've surrounded myself with. The only problem with all this change is that some people/things/hobbies/whatever are that I don't want to change are falling to the wayside.

This whole balancing act that life requires us all to master sucks monkey balls. I feel like I'm failing at it all the time...and isn't that just a sucktastic feeling...? How on earth do people master this? And when will I feel somewhat put together? I miss being carefree and not thinking, but even that statement is a lie because I don't think I ever really let myself be that carefree. I don't even know where I was going with this thought process anymore, but I can't seem to turn the brain off. Thank you, anyone and everyone who continues to indulge my rambling. Much appreciated. Oh, and any advice/commentary is welcome.

Discontent and Longings..

It's been a while since I've graced this page.

I can't say it's entirely from a lack of time...although, most of the time I feel like such a frenzied mess that it could almost be argued that's the case.

Graduation: check mark.
New job: check mark.
New place: check mark.
Social life: not so much.
Boyfriend: yeah...about that.
Work: kicking my ass.
Insecurity: got that.

I'm not content where I'm at, though. Is that a good thing? I can't decide. That feeling of discontent - it drives me. It drives me to do better; to be better. I pride myself on the good things I do...and even with my insecurity in overdrive, even I can acknowledge when I do something right. But my problem is I seem to have an inability to focus on those good things and focus only on the "oops" moments I have. I'd like to say I'm working on that, but well, I'm a work in progress.

I want to be happy and really mean it when someone asks me if I'm okay, smile so big and free that it hurts my cheeks - feel the ache long after that smile has gone, simply to remember it was once there.

There are so many things I long to plan and learn: see the world and not be afraid to explore it, experience the warmth of the bluest ocean on my skin, try the finest foods, meet the smartest people the world has to offer. I want to feel the sun on my cheeks, the wind in my hair, hear the sounds of my shoes as they scuff along the tarmac and concrete foreign cities.

I want to be able to meet the eyes of others in the street around me and smile because I have to but feel like its okay to not always be polite to those I don't know - that I don't have to follow what is right.

For once, I want to do what I want and bear no consequences, even if they start just as small as something like that.

And more than anything, I want to want these things enough to actually go ahead with them, and no longer hide in my shell. 

Like I said, a work in progress.

So Much Good.

So much has happened in the past couple of months. So much good.

And so much reality.

I've always been told to be careful what I wish for, because I might just get it. I managed to get myself hired, which is what I've been bitching about doing in practically every post/conversation of my life up until now.

I'm blessed.

I have amazing experiences afforded to me through this job, and it is in the field that I was hoping for. I should have no complaints.

Except I'm broke. And so out of my depth.

On the same token, I have to keep reminding myself that life is not sunshine and roses. And as cynical and jaded as that sounds, it's reality. I am a registered nurse - an educated professional who went and survived rigorous schooling - and I still have to struggle with the reality that I will not be able to move out on my own because I won't be able to afford it. And while I realize I'm just starting out, and while I realize I can only go up from here (knock on wood), it's still a tough reality to swallow.

That being said, I LOVE my job. It scares me shitless every day, but I'm learning so, so much. That's the point, isn't it? To live a life and work a job that challenges you daily so you can learn. I'm hoping I never lose this fascination with my work, and I feel so fortunate that I even have that fascination. It makes me believe that I did, in fact, do something right. And that, right there, makes everything worth it.

It's a big lesson for me that I have often refuse to heed, the very fact that from strife comes success. Life is supposed to be hard, that is what makes a person triumph and overcome. And while I would really like for things to not be so hard, I like the person it's shaping me into. I like that my confidence is growing and I'm finally starting to figure out who I am. I try every day to always look for the positive, and I find myself much more content when I do.

So here's my positive. While I complain that I don't have enough money in my bank account and I can't afford the lifestyle I foresee myself living, I am employed. I am employed doing what I want to do. And I have a steady paycheck. And that is something I can build on and make something of. So for now, that's enough.

Runaway Train

I brought my birthday month in with tears. You know those silent, persistant tears that just seem to poor down your face with a wild abandon that can be so stifling that you find yourself gasping for breath without even realizing it...yeah, those ones.

I feel so lost.

It's no secret that I like having control of my life, mostly because it seems the only thing one has a true right to control. But lately it seems that any sort of control is so damn elusive. That, compounded with the realization that the more I try and maintain sort of control, things start to spin even more out of control.

Over the past week, I have come to the realize that the people I have am fortunate to know and have in my corner are nothing short of amazing. Since my last post, I had been awed by friends I have neglected and haven't even realized I had in my corner. I am ever astounded by the beauty of humanity and friendships/relationships formed through strife.

I don't mean for this post to take away from all that I have accomplished, nor do I mean to take any credit away from the many people who helped me get to where I am today.

I am forever reminded and cognizant of how blessed I am. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm stuck in slow motion while those around me are moving fast forward with their lives and careers. And by no means do I want to begrudge any of those I love their happiness and success, but it scares me that based on the rate I'm going, I feel as of  I'm never going to catch up and get there. 

It is one of my greatest fears - never amounting to anything; never finding and capitalizing on whatever my strengths may be. I feel it's as if I'm just existing and fighting to meet the status quo instead of truly being successful.

I guess I just wonder I'd I'm the only one out there.  

Logically I know I'm not. 

Either way, the tears, the fears, and the insecurities persist. 

Call you up in the middle of the night

Like a firefly without a light

You were there like a blowtorch burning

I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep

So many secrets I couldn't keep

Promised myself I wouldn't weep

One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now

I'm in too deep there's no way out

This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train, never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?

Make it somehow all seem worthwhile

How on earth did I get so jaded?

Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go

I know what no one else knows

Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain

With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried

Day and night, earth and sky

Somehow I just don't believe it

Runaway train, never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train

Like a madman laughing at the rain

A little out of touch, a little insane

It's just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train, never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Runaway train, never coming back

Runaway train, tearing up the track

Runaway train, burning in my veins

I run away but it always seems the same

~Soul Asylum

Salt Water

"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea." Isak Dinesen

I'm a beach baby.

The beach is my comfort. It is my place to go when the world seems like it makes no sense. It scares me that tonight, my haven is letting me down. I can't seem to shut my brain off, and the blogosphere doesn't judge. At least it doesn't judge to my face, so I'll take it.

Adulthood scares me.

I feel more unprepared for this than anything else I've encountered in my life. It seems menial, really, because the only accomplishment I have to my name is graduating from nursing school. And to me, that's massive...but to the rest of the world, it's just another associate degree that "anyone" could accomplish. (rolls eyes, while scoffing....i dare you, unsuspecting public, go for it. prove me wrong).  I feel like a broken record most of the time, because really - I'm not even in it anymore. That's done. And honestly, I never thought I would be in a place where I would say I miss it.

I think I miss the predictability and stability most. All I've never known is school, and now that I don't have it anymore I feel like I'm floundering. I can't find a job, and I'm still living with my parents. Granted, that really just puts me in the "norm" for college graduates my age, but I really banked on walking into a job in nursing and finally having my life start.

I had this idealistic notion (I don't know why I keep having those, really) that I would find a job right away with an excellent salary that would support my lifestyle that mainly consists of enjoying alcohol with my girls. So far all I've done is rack up my credit card debt even higher than it already is (yes, apparently it's possible) enjoying my alcohol and groupie habit.

So when do things start to come together? Do they ever? I think that question is at the crux of my non-stop deliberations. I certainly hope it does, because as much as I want to deny the inevitable truth, I'm not going to be in my 20s for the rest of my life.

An even scarier thought, one which I really only entertain when I'm alone on the beach at midnight, is when does the profession start to feel right? I REFUSE to acknowledge that I went through all the shit I did to walk out feeling just as lost (if not moreso) than I did when I started 2 years ago. I think that's another reason I want to land a job so desperately...I just want the proverbial "this-was-totally-the-right-decision" moment. AKA, I want to be happy. Content.

For now, though, I'm going to let my mind continue to wander while I let Isak Dinesen's theory take effect...because the tears haven't stopped for hours and the sea is the only thing I have to distract me.

An Impasse

You know, I never realized how quickly life really happens. You work so hard for something, anything, really and before you realize it...you've achieved/accomplished whatever that goal you set out to do was..

I graduated from Nursing school last month.

I passed my board exam three days ago.

I sit here in the midst of job applications, piles of pushed aside debt, a living situation that drives me nutsy most of the time, and weird and wonderful friendships that keep me on my toes.

I've never known what it is to live a life that doesn't revolve around some form of school. I'm not sure how to really go about doing so. I have a degree, and am certified in a trade that will, at the very least, set me up for a comfortable living.

So what do I do now? It seems so menial to find a job, settle down, have petty fights, and just exist. Is this really what it's all about? I never really thought of myself as adventurous...I really thought that my biggest adventure would be nursing school, and that I would be okay with that. But now, I'm just blah. Just here. Just living the daily grind, paying bills and being an "adult." I've done it for 3 days, and I'm exhausted, bored, and ready for something else.

Who would have known? I'm sure settling myself into the profession and a new job will be adventures, as well as finding a specialty and pursing it..blah, blah, blah.

"Now is the winter of our discontent," apparently.

So, I'm gonna take some inspiration from Gina and make a list - a list full of things I want to do, more goals I want to accomplish, and then I'll share it. Maybe some of you can help me with them...

It's time to actually start living, so I've finally decided to take the first step...

Shit, that's scary!