Runaway Train

I brought my birthday month in with tears. You know those silent, persistant tears that just seem to poor down your face with a wild abandon that can be so stifling that you find yourself gasping for breath without even realizing it...yeah, those ones.

I feel so lost.

It's no secret that I like having control of my life, mostly because it seems the only thing one has a true right to control. But lately it seems that any sort of control is so damn elusive. That, compounded with the realization that the more I try and maintain sort of control, things start to spin even more out of control.

Over the past week, I have come to the realize that the people I have am fortunate to know and have in my corner are nothing short of amazing. Since my last post, I had been awed by friends I have neglected and haven't even realized I had in my corner. I am ever astounded by the beauty of humanity and friendships/relationships formed through strife.

I don't mean for this post to take away from all that I have accomplished, nor do I mean to take any credit away from the many people who helped me get to where I am today.

I am forever reminded and cognizant of how blessed I am. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm stuck in slow motion while those around me are moving fast forward with their lives and careers. And by no means do I want to begrudge any of those I love their happiness and success, but it scares me that based on the rate I'm going, I feel as of  I'm never going to catch up and get there. 

It is one of my greatest fears - never amounting to anything; never finding and capitalizing on whatever my strengths may be. I feel it's as if I'm just existing and fighting to meet the status quo instead of truly being successful.

I guess I just wonder I'd I'm the only one out there.  

Logically I know I'm not. 

Either way, the tears, the fears, and the insecurities persist. 

Call you up in the middle of the night

Like a firefly without a light

You were there like a blowtorch burning

I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep

So many secrets I couldn't keep

Promised myself I wouldn't weep

One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now

I'm in too deep there's no way out

This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train, never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?

Make it somehow all seem worthwhile

How on earth did I get so jaded?

Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go

I know what no one else knows

Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain

With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried

Day and night, earth and sky

Somehow I just don't believe it

Runaway train, never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train

Like a madman laughing at the rain

A little out of touch, a little insane

It's just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train, never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Runaway train, never coming back

Runaway train, tearing up the track

Runaway train, burning in my veins

I run away but it always seems the same

~Soul Asylum