Reflection

It seems today is a day of reflection.

So, first thing: I realized that my last post may have seemed like I only miss my past life because I'm so dramatically unhappy in my current one. While there might be some truth in the notion that I'm unhappy and more stressed much more often currently, I don't think that I'm necessarily so unhappy that I would want to take a step back into my past. Life is meant to change and move and grow, and I think that I'm starting to understand that. It's corny and cliche, but the truth is that most people I meet are not supposed to stay in my life for the rest of my life. Every person, experience, moment - they all have a reason for being at the point they are, and most times it is healthier for those to move on after they have made their impact.

I am positively blessed. I do not want for anything. I have the love and support of my family, no matter how hard I push them away, withdraw from them, and hurt them with words and actions. I have new (and old) friends who make me stop and realize that my world is not ending when I fail, and that I have had some of my best moments when I turn a failure into a success. I have people to constantly remind me when I make my bed, I have to sleep in it. This is something that is hard to learn for someone at any age, but at the tender age of 24, it's near impossible - because clearly I know everything at all times and no one else can be or is right.

I thought when I started nursing school, I would simply be learning a trade that would facilitate me in helping people and giving me the means to have live. I had naively figured that I would go through my 2 years, and maybe more, just learning the ropes of the profession while maintaining a life that I assumed I was content to live. I have learned so much more. I have learned patience - with myself and others. I have learned the beauty of life, and how fleeting that really is. I'm working on how to handle my stress load. I have learned that life is precious, and I shouldn't keep trying to control every single aspect - my life lessons and experiences will come as they may.

I have learned that there are some amazing people out there who teach me more than they know. They have taught me that sometimes, it is best to admit when it's time to walk away from something that just isn't working. That kind of strength is inspiring. They have taught me that sometimes, all you have to keep you floating are the people surrounding you who are struggling just as much as you. I have learned that life is really not as serious as I tend to make it to be. I have learned that some people, no matter how fun they are, may not be the best people to surround myself with when I'm trying to focus on a certain task at hand.

I treasure you, my people. You have made this experience more than just a crappy school situation. You have been instrumental in teaching me some things about this thing - this journey - that we're all on called life.

In other, not so deep and philosophical news, I saw Breaking Dawn last night. I'm not quite sure why I'm still so enamored by this series. I feel like I shouldn't be - I mean I can't even give an honest reason why I like it so much to people who ask. That coupled with the fact that the books really aren't written that well makes me feel like I shouldn't be. But I can vividly remember when I first read it. I got nothing done for that weekend (I read 1-3 in 2 days), and I'm pretty sure I failed an exam because of lack of studying, but man did it suck me in. The movies, well - they don't. It's really more fascination as to what they're gonna do with them than an actual appreciation for the movie, but I see them regardless. I had a good time. My sister is home visiting from her current home of New Mexico, and we met up with a friend we've known for about 12 years now, and it was a great time. We laughed and caught up and it felt like home. It was beautiful. The movie, well, it was amusing and I have this secret (well, maybe not so secret anymore) love for Robert Pattinson so it was worth it. A good night, I say. Needed. And definitely anticipated.

So now I am back to the grind. Less than a month to go now...let's get this done. To whomever is reading, thanks for humoring a girl's daily reflections.

Taking Hold

I came to the realization recently that I am an extraordinarily selfish person. I have been walking around in a fog, mostly because I'm so upset that certain people that I used to hold so dear to my heart disappeared out of my life. Maybe it was my fault - I've been so damn preoccupied with school and wallowing in my own self misery that I completely forgot about the people who used to put a smile on my face whenever I was sad/mad/whatever. I think it may be a mixture of jealousy that they're living their lives, finding love, settling down, making a contribution to the society, excelling in careers, etc., while I can't seem to freaking pass an exam.

I decided today that I'm going to start trying again. I want - no need - to make more of an effort to maintain my friendships that I used to hold so dear. I want to form new ones that will last. I can't keep only living my life through nursing school, it's not healthy for me. I'm not an idiot, I know that people will eventually walk away.

So, here's my start. I'm sorry to all of you beautiful people who have continued to support and love me even though I've been distant - even absent. I'm a different person now, but I would like to try to improve myself and regain (if possible) the level of friendship we shared. So, yeah. That's all.