Wow - it's been a while. I had forgotten how therapeutic this blogging for myself thing is. So, I guess here goes.
Sometimes I have moments of nostalgia that leave me
breathless. I have such a wonderful
life, and I usually try to just keep living in the now. But the “now” is sometimes just not as
breathtaking as the “then” was. Maybe
it’s because now my life is so adult – work, bills, meetings, etc. I have always been the type to be prone to
maintaining my wallflower status.
Insecurities are a bitch, and as much as I can self-validate, I can’t
seem to escape my own head.
I miss my “youthful” days.
Jeesh, that statement is so…just…ugh.
I am youthful. I have everything
to offer to the world. I am a steadfast
and solid person, an awesome friend, and a vibrant human being. I recognize all this, so why am I so scared to share that with the
world? How do people overcome the whole
insecurity thing? I just feel so lost,
and then I remember the people who took that away – that sense of
disconnect. And the funny thing about
that is I’m so not connected with them anymore, which is the worst part.
So now I find myself I going through pictures and clinging
to memories of drunken beach nights, musicals, long drives blasting 90s music
and green alcoholic smoothies. And don’t
get me wrong – I have a wonderful life and amazing people who I wouldn’t trade
for the world – but I miss my days of not caring about anything bigger than
memorizing lines, passing AP Euro, and figuring out how to sneak out of the
house without being caught. And while I
admit it has been years, and I am more likely than not romanticizing these
memories, they still bring me the most happiness.
I am blessed.
But I feel so alone.
