It was extremely necessary.
There are so many things that seem to be out of my control lately. I never really realized, nor considered myself, to be a person who needed to be in control until I entered what I can only describe as the alternate universe that is nursing school. I think this is because I feel like ever since day one, I have felt out of control.
I should have trusted my gut, way back when frontloading seemed to be the scariest thing out there. But I didn't, because I'm stubborn and thought I was good enough for this. I had a sense of entitlement because I managed to get accepted to PBSC nursing school. Clearly, all the hard work was done and it would be smooth sailing. Psh.
I have never been more wrong in my life. I have never been so stripped raw, nor have I questioned myself and my abilities as I do now. On so many levels, this career seems so wrong. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. I've repeatedly gotten beaten up and then kicked in the kidneys some more for good measure, and on top of that I'm pretty sure I'm killing my liver.
I must be masochistic. Yeah - that's it. Because even though I have to fight with myself to get out of bed in the morning and start another day, the thought of not doing so physically sickens me some days. When will I finally decide either way? That's an awesome question, and one that I would really appreciate the answer to..
In other areas of my absurd life, Miami and Ft. Lauderdale - epic. What's funny though, is the person that I was there isn't me. I'm not a raging alcoholic party animal (although I'm pretty sure everyone and their mother in the nursing program who never knew the person I was before I lost my mind would probably debate that...). However, it's all I seem to want to do lately, because it's freeing. I think part of it is that if I'm going to have to feel out of control, I might as well feel good while I'm doing it. Man, how fucked up is that? Anyway, I'm really not sure what happened on either night, but here's my philosophy about that...it must have been an awesome (and completely necessary) night.
I have the best friends in the world. I've been fortunate to meet the greatest people. Honestly, one of the only good things that PBSC has given me is the opportunity to learn from and befriend some of the best people in the world (imho).
I'm trying to remain positive. It's just gotten near impossible and it's slowly killing me. So I'd like to tribute to my people - the close ones that have stuck with me through thick and thin and the new ones that have given me the opportunity to see the awesome that is still out there.
True to my apparent new alcoholic self, I toast you:
"A Toast
To Nearest
To Dearest
To the Crew
To Cahoots
To the Ones Who've Been There
To the Ones Who'll Be There
To Dropping Everything
To Saying Anything
To No Judgements
To No Doubts
To Loyalty
To Trust
To Favors
To Lifelongs
To Been To Long
To Nothing's Changed
To Having History
To Having Your Back
To Moving Away
To Never Too Far
To Growing Up
To Settling Down
To Your Second Family
TO FRIENDS."
I don't know who reads this, but if you do I'm pretty sure you're a friend in some capacity. Thank you for being you.
I appreciate you.
