Beach Baby

I'm a beach baby.

For as long as I can remember, I've been near the beach. When I was a child, mom and dad took us to the beach all the time.

I don't know when it happened, but at some point the beach became comfort. It wasn't until I moved to Tallahassee when I realized that. You know - the whole "you-don't-realize-what-you-have" thing. I found when I came back the first time, the only place that brought me peace was not my childhood home (although, I don't know why it surprised me...my childhood home is probably one of the most stressful environments I frequent), it was the beach.

There are very few places on this planet that instill a sense of wonder and calm than a beach - more specifically the ocean. On a gorgeous day, you can see the possibilities afforded to us as you gaze out.

But it's the cloudy days, when it's just about to rain, that get me the most. Those days where it's palpable in the air that something big is going to happen. Today was one of those days. School has been beating me to a pulp, and now that the finish line is so near it seems it's harder to cross every hurdle that continues to be tossed in our direction. Home life is miserable, and that's putting it nicely.

But that ocean - man was it majestic. I'll hold on to that.

Eggshells

Sometimes I wonder how my life gets so messed up. Am I supposed to make this many mistakes? Am I even making this many mistakes or is it just a case of me over reacting.

I've always said that my friendships mean the most to me, and yet I feel like I'm constantly letting people down.

My question is this: how do I know when to be selfish, and when to not. And why do I always feel like I need to perpetually walk on eggshells, even around the people who supposedly will never judge me. And will that compulsion ever go away?

Just Be

I went through this phase once that nobody knows about. Well, a few people do, but they're all random and for all intents and purposes people I met in the phase, but never in person. People who I grew to love and probably know me better than my so-called best friends do. It was a time where I was supposed to be exploring and experiencing and growing, but didn't. Soon, those people grew up and moved on, and I find myself in a similar position I promised myself I wouldn't get back into when I started nursing school. 

I wouldn't say that I've always been the most out-spoken and confident person. Actually, the opposite can be argued; no matter what front I put up or how much acting I do, I'm painfully shy. When I was a teenager, I somehow managed to surround myself with people that, through association, had to force myself to get over myself and just be. That's high school - sink or swim. I swam, barely, and incredibly self-consciously. In retrospect, those years that I have always considered the best of my life were probably the ones that caused me to drown. I lied a lot back then, and I'm sorry for that. Most of my "friends" probably knew...it's most likely a factor that let to the dissolving of said friendships. All I've ever wanted, still want, is to be that confident person that people want to be around while maintaining me.

Why is that so hard? To just be.

For some people, it's not. To them, it's synonymous with breathing. They live for adventure and new friends and experiences because they don't want life to pass them by. But what about the people who want the experience and the adventure but need a little more push, or just some encouragement? 

By the time I finished my first semester of college, I had fully converted into an introverted person that held no recognition. I had gained over 30 pounds, and felt so lost I didn't even realize I was lost. That went on for years. The realization just came recently, actually, and it's been 2 years in the making after I made my first scary life change. My "best friends" had gone to different schools and stopped answering my phone calls, and my roommate was the polar opposite of me. I went to class, went back to my dorm and ate. Repeat. Then I found an online community based on writing and I met wonderful people. 

People who I could pretend that I was confident and worldly with, and they couldn't call my bluff. They made me feel accepted and toward the end, cherished and included. Then they moved on too. So I moved back home and pretended that even though I don't hear from them, at least I had the memories. Yeah, not so much.

Nursing school has been such a blessing in disguise, because even though it sucks and it's hard, and I cry more than ever (which is hard to believe, really, because I already was a crier..), it's forced me to find myself. In the mean time, I have made life long friends and found self-confidence in myself that I didn't even know existed. I suppose this is growing up. I kind of like it, even if there are sucky parts, there are good ones too!

I still haven't mastered the ability to "just be." I'm not sure I ever will, to be honest, but I'd like to try. And I would like to thank those who helped get me here, even if they don't know I'm doing it. And I'd like to thank those in my past who did leave - not in a malicious way but in a "thank-you-for-forcing-me-to-grow-up" way; even if I believe you went around it the wrong and most hurtful way, it was effective.

It's Just..

A little crush.

You know those moments (as a girl, obviously) where you have this bulldoze you like it's nobody's business? Like, it comes from completely out of nowhere and then is relentless in it's attack?

Yeah, I don't have time for this right now. Especially when all I can think about is him, who probably doesn't even know I exist. Yeah, we're friends on Facebook...not that that means anything, anyway. Regardless of it all, I just found out (through some admittedly creepy stalking) that he's spoken for.

So, since apparently all my life will afford me right now is the trials and tribulations of school, I'll stick to that. At least I know how to deal with finishing up my program without looking like a blubbering idiot.

Hopefully.