Exhaustion

I'm exhausted - mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I suppose it's the "good" kind of exhaustion, for the most part. My job is demanding, moreso than I ever imagined. I do believe that it is a good thing I  have something to focus on; a craft to hone and make my own, even if I don't know what the future holds.

So many things have happened as of late. Deaths and births, beginnings and endings. Friendships have waned and/or strengthened. At some point I decided (moreso so subconsiously than not) that I am going to through myself full force into my job that I thought I always wanted yet continue to feel completely out of my depth in. And I feel a shift in relation to this, similar to the the one nursing school caused.

I'm changing again. Meeting new people, lovely and fantastic people. Relationships are being strengthened, and I am growing even more into myself and the people I've surrounded myself with. The only problem with all this change is that some people/things/hobbies/whatever are that I don't want to change are falling to the wayside.

This whole balancing act that life requires us all to master sucks monkey balls. I feel like I'm failing at it all the time...and isn't that just a sucktastic feeling...? How on earth do people master this? And when will I feel somewhat put together? I miss being carefree and not thinking, but even that statement is a lie because I don't think I ever really let myself be that carefree. I don't even know where I was going with this thought process anymore, but I can't seem to turn the brain off. Thank you, anyone and everyone who continues to indulge my rambling. Much appreciated. Oh, and any advice/commentary is welcome.

Discontent and Longings..

It's been a while since I've graced this page.

I can't say it's entirely from a lack of time...although, most of the time I feel like such a frenzied mess that it could almost be argued that's the case.

Graduation: check mark.
New job: check mark.
New place: check mark.
Social life: not so much.
Boyfriend: yeah...about that.
Work: kicking my ass.
Insecurity: got that.

I'm not content where I'm at, though. Is that a good thing? I can't decide. That feeling of discontent - it drives me. It drives me to do better; to be better. I pride myself on the good things I do...and even with my insecurity in overdrive, even I can acknowledge when I do something right. But my problem is I seem to have an inability to focus on those good things and focus only on the "oops" moments I have. I'd like to say I'm working on that, but well, I'm a work in progress.

I want to be happy and really mean it when someone asks me if I'm okay, smile so big and free that it hurts my cheeks - feel the ache long after that smile has gone, simply to remember it was once there.

There are so many things I long to plan and learn: see the world and not be afraid to explore it, experience the warmth of the bluest ocean on my skin, try the finest foods, meet the smartest people the world has to offer. I want to feel the sun on my cheeks, the wind in my hair, hear the sounds of my shoes as they scuff along the tarmac and concrete foreign cities.

I want to be able to meet the eyes of others in the street around me and smile because I have to but feel like its okay to not always be polite to those I don't know - that I don't have to follow what is right.

For once, I want to do what I want and bear no consequences, even if they start just as small as something like that.

And more than anything, I want to want these things enough to actually go ahead with them, and no longer hide in my shell. 

Like I said, a work in progress.