Runaway Train

I brought my birthday month in with tears. You know those silent, persistant tears that just seem to poor down your face with a wild abandon that can be so stifling that you find yourself gasping for breath without even realizing it...yeah, those ones.

I feel so lost.

It's no secret that I like having control of my life, mostly because it seems the only thing one has a true right to control. But lately it seems that any sort of control is so damn elusive. That, compounded with the realization that the more I try and maintain sort of control, things start to spin even more out of control.

Over the past week, I have come to the realize that the people I have am fortunate to know and have in my corner are nothing short of amazing. Since my last post, I had been awed by friends I have neglected and haven't even realized I had in my corner. I am ever astounded by the beauty of humanity and friendships/relationships formed through strife.

I don't mean for this post to take away from all that I have accomplished, nor do I mean to take any credit away from the many people who helped me get to where I am today.

I am forever reminded and cognizant of how blessed I am. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm stuck in slow motion while those around me are moving fast forward with their lives and careers. And by no means do I want to begrudge any of those I love their happiness and success, but it scares me that based on the rate I'm going, I feel as of  I'm never going to catch up and get there. 

It is one of my greatest fears - never amounting to anything; never finding and capitalizing on whatever my strengths may be. I feel it's as if I'm just existing and fighting to meet the status quo instead of truly being successful.

I guess I just wonder I'd I'm the only one out there.  

Logically I know I'm not. 

Either way, the tears, the fears, and the insecurities persist. 

Call you up in the middle of the night

Like a firefly without a light

You were there like a blowtorch burning

I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep

So many secrets I couldn't keep

Promised myself I wouldn't weep

One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now

I'm in too deep there's no way out

This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train, never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?

Make it somehow all seem worthwhile

How on earth did I get so jaded?

Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go

I know what no one else knows

Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain

With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried

Day and night, earth and sky

Somehow I just don't believe it

Runaway train, never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train

Like a madman laughing at the rain

A little out of touch, a little insane

It's just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train, never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Runaway train, never coming back

Runaway train, tearing up the track

Runaway train, burning in my veins

I run away but it always seems the same

~Soul Asylum

Salt Water

"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea." Isak Dinesen

I'm a beach baby.

The beach is my comfort. It is my place to go when the world seems like it makes no sense. It scares me that tonight, my haven is letting me down. I can't seem to shut my brain off, and the blogosphere doesn't judge. At least it doesn't judge to my face, so I'll take it.

Adulthood scares me.

I feel more unprepared for this than anything else I've encountered in my life. It seems menial, really, because the only accomplishment I have to my name is graduating from nursing school. And to me, that's massive...but to the rest of the world, it's just another associate degree that "anyone" could accomplish. (rolls eyes, while scoffing....i dare you, unsuspecting public, go for it. prove me wrong).  I feel like a broken record most of the time, because really - I'm not even in it anymore. That's done. And honestly, I never thought I would be in a place where I would say I miss it.

I think I miss the predictability and stability most. All I've never known is school, and now that I don't have it anymore I feel like I'm floundering. I can't find a job, and I'm still living with my parents. Granted, that really just puts me in the "norm" for college graduates my age, but I really banked on walking into a job in nursing and finally having my life start.

I had this idealistic notion (I don't know why I keep having those, really) that I would find a job right away with an excellent salary that would support my lifestyle that mainly consists of enjoying alcohol with my girls. So far all I've done is rack up my credit card debt even higher than it already is (yes, apparently it's possible) enjoying my alcohol and groupie habit.

So when do things start to come together? Do they ever? I think that question is at the crux of my non-stop deliberations. I certainly hope it does, because as much as I want to deny the inevitable truth, I'm not going to be in my 20s for the rest of my life.

An even scarier thought, one which I really only entertain when I'm alone on the beach at midnight, is when does the profession start to feel right? I REFUSE to acknowledge that I went through all the shit I did to walk out feeling just as lost (if not moreso) than I did when I started 2 years ago. I think that's another reason I want to land a job so desperately...I just want the proverbial "this-was-totally-the-right-decision" moment. AKA, I want to be happy. Content.

For now, though, I'm going to let my mind continue to wander while I let Isak Dinesen's theory take effect...because the tears haven't stopped for hours and the sea is the only thing I have to distract me.