Laughter

I love how life continuously reminds me to never underestimate the power of laughter.

I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have the ability to constantly see the humor in everything around me, I'd be one miserable S.O.B. Well, more miserable than I currently am, anyway.

This is a short blog post sending out my appreciation for the people who constantly take the serious out of my serious; the people who instinctively know when I need a reminder that most of the things that occur in my life are not as serious as I make them.

This is a blog post for the people who constantly remind me that smiling can change someone's entire day - even if that someone is yourself.

This is for the people who remind me that yes, I am the world's greatest clutz - and that attribute is essential to me letting go and just embracing my quirks. I mean, so what if I nearly face plant in the middle of the cafeteria? That shit's funny.

This is for my people who don't let me dwell on the fact that I fail, and that I do it a lot. Because really, that's how I learn best.

Thank you for keeping me humble. Thank you for reminding me that life is what I make of it - and I want fun.

And while I seem to be finding fun damn near impossible in nursing school, thank you for managing to prove me wrong every time.

Change

I have never had such a good time and simultaneously felt so isolated in my life. Or maybe I have, and never quite paid attention to it?

There is something to be said for growing up. I mean, it's a bitch of a process and a painful one at that.

Change is good, right?

I understand that people grow apart, I really do. But I hate how much it hurts.





I also hate how I can't make my personal happiness a priority right now, because nursing school does not allow for that. I would love to say that everything is going great, and that I love this, but I would be lying. And I hate liars.

I have lived a stunning 23 years. I am not foolish enough to think that life has thrown insurmountable issues in my face. I have made good decisions and horrendous ones. I have made horrible mistakes and loved and lost, and I'm just getting started at it. Where the problem comes in is that I want to hold onto the memories that have made my life stunning. But I feel like life is not allowing me that pleasure.

I'm learning that I need to make new bliss. I need to find my stunning in the here and now. I'd like to think that things will magically go back to high school, but they won't. So much has changed since then. God...it's only been 5 years. I feel fortunate and blessed that I have certain people in my life now that I had then, and I will always do so.


I don't know who actually reads this, or if anyone does, but if you are - I still love the crap out of you. I always will.

I need to make this work. I need to get out of this rut that I'm in. And I believe I can do it. Sort of. I don't really have a choice. I don't want to be miserable and blah, blah, blah. I'm working on this growing up thing...it's a lot harder than it looks.

But I'm trying.

Readings for Unit 3

Easier to post here:

Inflammatory Processes:
-Phlebitis: 308-309
-Esophagitis/Stomatitis: 629r, 997, 1000t, 1005
-Otitis Media: 1801; 1813-1815
-Peptic Ulcer Disease: 1047-1055
-Hiatal Hernia (HH): 692t; 1012-1013; 1013f
-GERD: 1014-1015; 1302-1303
-BPH/Hyperplasia: 1514-1516; 1302-1303

Inflammation Infections Processes:
-IBD/IBS: 1080-1096
-Appendicitis: 1075-1077
-Diverticulitis: 1077-1080
-Peritonitis: 1080-1081; (1311, 1340-1341)
-Crohn's Disease & Ulcerative Colitis: 1081-1096

Malignancies:
Chapter 16 (336-392)

*Let me know if any of this is not right, guys. :)

What Do You Want From Me?

Wow.

Talk about epic. And not in a good way.

I'm not sure what the f*ck this program thinks they're doing, but it's certainly not testing me on the information they are shoving down my throat. Not that bitching in any way would change a thing because NO ONE LISTENS TO THE STUDENTS.

But whatever. I clearly know nothing, and am not worth my teacher's aka mentor's aka program's time, so I'll just do it here. To my lovely blog readers, of which I probably have 2.

I do, however, fully appreciate my mother's advice: take a shot, cry, take another shot, break something, take another shot and watch shitty TV.

Well, I'm on it, mom.

Oh, I Wanna Go Crazy!

It's not even that I want to anymore...it's that I am. I think I'm developing this irrational fear that if I ever go see a psychiatrist, they're going to want to admit me. At least I'll always be able to say that Nursing School is the reason. And an extremely fucking valid one at that.

I feel like cosmic interference is happening in lives all around me, but not actually in mine. Or maybe I'm just attuned to everyone else and have no freaking clue how to listen to myself. I don't doubt it, really. I'm so lost all the time, and no matter how well I think I mask it, I'm pretty sure I'm not fooling anyone. And if I am, well, I guess I'm not anymore. Hah.

God, I wish I were brave enough to just make a choice. All I seem to do is teeter between wanting to prove to myself that all the work I've done up to this point is worth it and realizing that all I'm ever going to be is miserable if I keep carrying on. Most of the time I tell myself that if I can get through this, then at least if I don't want it then I'll know I succeeded nonetheless. Honestly, passing with my sanity intact would be a fucking miracle.

So, here's the deal. What I'm learning is that sometimes it is braver to walk away than stay in something that is sinking you. (No worries, I'm 23 and way to stubborn to walk away. Besides, people usually become accustomed to being miserable, right. Isn't hating at least one job in your life a trademark of entering the adult stratosphere? Should I check that off my list early on? What's the consensus on that...)

I'm proud - no in awe - of people who can admit to themselves and everyone around them that they were wrong. Three simple words. They're almost as scary as "I love you," or "I am pregnant," or "You're a failure." And it's because they literally alter everything. I wonder if I'll ever be able to admit that. I suppose that's some food for later though. So, yeah. (ps, I am not pregnant, I most likely do not love you, and I'm sure most of you are not failures. There is my disclosure on that one.)

So, if your reading (you know who you are), I am SOO PROUD OF YOU. Live it up. Live it up for me too. And if you ever have a margarita craving - I'm your girl.

To everyone other awesome person out there who supports me without even really knowing me, you all do keep me floating. That's to all my fellow nursing peeps, in case you guys didn't catch that one. I may seem like I don't appreciate it and I may be a quiet, closed of little shit most of the time (sorry about that, i promise it's not personal. and to be cliche, it's me...not you), the kind words and steady encouragement mean more than you know.

You know, when I entered nursing school, I expected it to be hard. I honestly did. I had no idea, and I'm pretty sure I've come to terms with that. However, I did not expect emotional and mental upheaval. Damn - it's almost worse than the actual schooling. Sometimes I wish I was that closed off person that let nothing faze me. However, I was born (blessed or cursed is still up in the air) as an emotional basketcase, so that'll most likely never happen, and I'm sure I don't want it too.

Anyway, this is when I'm supposed to be studying and doing clinical paperwork and drowning myself in the world of Med-Surg nursing, so maybe I should get back to that. I guess. It's difficult when you're not actually into it.

But then again - who ever said life was easy or convenient?

No one I know, anyway.