I hate this.
I hate how this program is turning amazingly beautiful, confident people into...not. I hate that this program has teasingly supplied me with a social life, it has also said, "Oh hey - I'm going to give you too much to possibly do so you don't even think about making plans." So there's where I'm at about nursing school.
I feel like no matter how much I study, I don't understand. Helpless...maybe that's what it is.
I feel something just short of devastation because I just found out my best friend is most likely not going to be able to go on the Europe trip that we've been planning for near 4 years now.
I feel resignation in the fact that I don't understand.
The house has been crazy. We have guests from England here with their adorable 6 mo. old baby, who seems to be taking over all my attention...and that's my decision.
I have a shit ton of work to do for school and no motivation to do so. I didn't pass my first exam (I'm not wholly surprised, I can't seem to pass anything in this damn program), and I'm not so much a fan of floor nursing in the hospital. That and I think I'm developing some serious anxiety in my life.
So, while my world seems to slowly be unraveling (it seems like epically fast, but I know in reality it isn't), I seem to just be hanging on by a thread. So I shall continue doing so, knowing that deep down I'm not the only one and I'm certainly not the worst-off person in this program by any means, and keep reminding myself that shit happens, and I just need to keep soldiering on.
Someone, for the love of whatever, please make me smile..?
29 January, 2011
15 January, 2011
Productivity
Today was a productive day.
However, before you get excited....does it count if it doesn't have anything to do (directly) with nursing school..? It's a dilemma I've been pondering all day today.
However, I did manage to assemble my own "mini-office" today in my twin sisters vacated room.
It looks all chic and as a friend said "corporate." However, I must remind you that I have not yet had the opportunity to take the books so lovingly organized in the bookshelf you see above and spread them across the nice, clean desk you see. However, I must say that I am very optimistic about this setup, only because it is only me in here...it's not the dad's desk where people circulate in and out of the room like crazy. So hopefully, I'll be much more productive this time.
Anywho, this weekend hasn't been bad, but I have been finding it very difficult to get into the Semester 2 studying thing. There is just something about the material we need to absorb this semester that puts me to sleep. Literally. That scares me, because we're only going onto week 2. This does not bode well. Clinical isn't much better, but then I guess it could always be worse. And, I've heard that patience is a necessary trait for those in my chosen profession, so I suppose it's good practice.
However, I do have to say that I enjoy my skills group and lecture peeps immensely. I thought that I would be utterly lost with Steph's crossing over to the dark side (aka, online), but it really isn't that bad. Granted, I'm with a completely different group of people - but that's not necessarily bad, just different.
I guess I really can't complain much. I am surrounded by awesome people and people that make me feel sane (And right now, that is a novelty that I am reveling in). So, in the grand scale of things, I'm doing well.
So, even if I wasn't productive in my schoolwork today, at least I had a good day.
Shall we see what tomorrow brings?
However, before you get excited....does it count if it doesn't have anything to do (directly) with nursing school..? It's a dilemma I've been pondering all day today.
However, I did manage to assemble my own "mini-office" today in my twin sisters vacated room.
It looks all chic and as a friend said "corporate." However, I must remind you that I have not yet had the opportunity to take the books so lovingly organized in the bookshelf you see above and spread them across the nice, clean desk you see. However, I must say that I am very optimistic about this setup, only because it is only me in here...it's not the dad's desk where people circulate in and out of the room like crazy. So hopefully, I'll be much more productive this time.
Anywho, this weekend hasn't been bad, but I have been finding it very difficult to get into the Semester 2 studying thing. There is just something about the material we need to absorb this semester that puts me to sleep. Literally. That scares me, because we're only going onto week 2. This does not bode well. Clinical isn't much better, but then I guess it could always be worse. And, I've heard that patience is a necessary trait for those in my chosen profession, so I suppose it's good practice.
However, I do have to say that I enjoy my skills group and lecture peeps immensely. I thought that I would be utterly lost with Steph's crossing over to the dark side (aka, online), but it really isn't that bad. Granted, I'm with a completely different group of people - but that's not necessarily bad, just different.
I guess I really can't complain much. I am surrounded by awesome people and people that make me feel sane (And right now, that is a novelty that I am reveling in). So, in the grand scale of things, I'm doing well.
So, even if I wasn't productive in my schoolwork today, at least I had a good day.
Shall we see what tomorrow brings?
11 January, 2011
It is what it Is.
I believe in fate.
I believe that we are all led to wherever we are at any given moment for a reason, and that no matter what the situation is, we need to just get through it and learn from it.
It's no secret to anyone that I have serious questions about this program and my future in the nursing profession. I have, (like a feel most students would), several anxieties about the tasks that I am supposed to complete in the time frame I've been given. Clinical is a bitch, and most of the time I feel like I know nothing. (Now, on the off chance that one of you random readers will one day, in fact, be my patient - no worries...I'm getting there. And, I'm really good at faking..) The amount of reading and studying I'm responsible for is absurd - I'm already behind and it's the 2nd week of classes. (It really doesn't help the the textbooks put me to sleep. Literally). Not to mention the social aspect has changed, albeit subtly, but changed nonetheless. I'm still not sure how I feel about that, to be honest.
The problem is that I was spoiled in my first semester in all aspects. Of course, I didn't think so then...but hindsight is 20/20, right? I had the greatest clinical group, ever. I'm talking about the kind that even if we're all in opposite sides of the county (quite literally, really), we will have lasting friendships and awesome memories. My instructors were great, and I'm hard pressed to find complaints about the facilities I was in. Now, how in the hell do you compete with that? Answer: you don't.
This semester is going to be interesting. I miss the camaraderie that I had not only with my classmates, but also with the instructor. Not so much anymore, but that's okay...because it happened for a reason, right...? Maybe I'm being premature...but you know that feeling you get when you find yourself prey to a iffy first impression...? Is that enough said? All I can say is thank god for Jess....
So, here's the deal. The point of all this rambling was to tell a humorous (well, I thought it was, anyway..) story that shows how I can have positive feelings about where fate has brought me so far. One of my clinical classmates, whom I will not reveal the name, made me feel better about myself today. This classmate could not figure out how to work the thermometer, and proceeded to ask me for assistance.
........
This is where you all should, a) be laughing hysterically or b) have looks of dismay on your awesome faces.
I'll tell you this, though - it made me feel like the smartest bastard on the planet at the time.
So here's my realization for today: I can do this. I may or may not want it anymore, but I can do it. I soooo don't feel any ounce of confidence in anything (yet), but I know, at the very least, how to work a thermometer.
I believe that we are all led to wherever we are at any given moment for a reason, and that no matter what the situation is, we need to just get through it and learn from it.
It's no secret to anyone that I have serious questions about this program and my future in the nursing profession. I have, (like a feel most students would), several anxieties about the tasks that I am supposed to complete in the time frame I've been given. Clinical is a bitch, and most of the time I feel like I know nothing. (Now, on the off chance that one of you random readers will one day, in fact, be my patient - no worries...I'm getting there. And, I'm really good at faking..) The amount of reading and studying I'm responsible for is absurd - I'm already behind and it's the 2nd week of classes. (It really doesn't help the the textbooks put me to sleep. Literally). Not to mention the social aspect has changed, albeit subtly, but changed nonetheless. I'm still not sure how I feel about that, to be honest.
The problem is that I was spoiled in my first semester in all aspects. Of course, I didn't think so then...but hindsight is 20/20, right? I had the greatest clinical group, ever. I'm talking about the kind that even if we're all in opposite sides of the county (quite literally, really), we will have lasting friendships and awesome memories. My instructors were great, and I'm hard pressed to find complaints about the facilities I was in. Now, how in the hell do you compete with that? Answer: you don't.
This semester is going to be interesting. I miss the camaraderie that I had not only with my classmates, but also with the instructor. Not so much anymore, but that's okay...because it happened for a reason, right...? Maybe I'm being premature...but you know that feeling you get when you find yourself prey to a iffy first impression...? Is that enough said? All I can say is thank god for Jess....
So, here's the deal. The point of all this rambling was to tell a humorous (well, I thought it was, anyway..) story that shows how I can have positive feelings about where fate has brought me so far. One of my clinical classmates, whom I will not reveal the name, made me feel better about myself today. This classmate could not figure out how to work the thermometer, and proceeded to ask me for assistance.
........
This is where you all should, a) be laughing hysterically or b) have looks of dismay on your awesome faces.
I'll tell you this, though - it made me feel like the smartest bastard on the planet at the time.
So here's my realization for today: I can do this. I may or may not want it anymore, but I can do it. I soooo don't feel any ounce of confidence in anything (yet), but I know, at the very least, how to work a thermometer.
10 January, 2011
I'm...
Not a fan.
I just have to keep reminding myself - power of positive thinking.
Word of warning - the next couple of months could get ugly.
I just have to keep reminding myself - power of positive thinking.
Word of warning - the next couple of months could get ugly.
08 January, 2011
Crossroads
I feel like I am stuck at a fork in a road. You know - one of those paths that inevitably makes you choose a direction knowing that the only thing you will be able to do is live with the consequences it puts forth - good or bad. It worries me, because every which way I look at it I only see bad. Maybe it's because I can't seem to get myself out of this funk where every single damn glass is half empty. These negative feelings and thoughts are atrocious...they somehow seem to swallow me up whole and turn everything gray.
Damn I'm melodramatic.
I'm wining. And I hate that. But I hate the place that I find myself at right now.
Nursing always seemed so right. I look back at my previous posts (albeit, they were scant, I know..) and realize that once upon a time the thought of this did feel right. I want to feel that again, but every experience I've had so far is slowly, but surely, pushing me away from the career that I've fought so hard to achieve a place in.
My parents say that nothing in the world is out of someone's reach if they want it badly enough. In fact, the faith that others have in my "abilities" astounds me on a daily basis. You people are seeing something that I really don't see, and while it's flattering it's even more so frustrating, because I really do feel as if I'm wading in a rip current that keeps bringing me under. I don't want to give up, but I fear I'm losing the will to fight for it all. This shit is hard, and it's near impossible when you still don't even know if it's what you want.
Here's my question: how long do you fight for something when everything else is signaling for you to move on?
Damn I'm melodramatic.
I'm wining. And I hate that. But I hate the place that I find myself at right now.
Nursing always seemed so right. I look back at my previous posts (albeit, they were scant, I know..) and realize that once upon a time the thought of this did feel right. I want to feel that again, but every experience I've had so far is slowly, but surely, pushing me away from the career that I've fought so hard to achieve a place in.
My parents say that nothing in the world is out of someone's reach if they want it badly enough. In fact, the faith that others have in my "abilities" astounds me on a daily basis. You people are seeing something that I really don't see, and while it's flattering it's even more so frustrating, because I really do feel as if I'm wading in a rip current that keeps bringing me under. I don't want to give up, but I fear I'm losing the will to fight for it all. This shit is hard, and it's near impossible when you still don't even know if it's what you want.
Here's my question: how long do you fight for something when everything else is signaling for you to move on?
06 January, 2011
Re-emergence to the Blogging Universe
I'm pretty sure no one reads this, but I find that finding a mode of venting and all around making fun of myself is becoming necessary in my life.
Nursing school is hell.
However, I am determined to figure out a way to succeed in it. Positive thinking is something that I've been struggling with lately, for many different factors that are both personal and common knowledge. However, it was at points the only thing that got me through some hurdles last year. I'm hoping it will continue to be effective.
So, really, this is going to be me rambling. If you find it interesting, awesome. Follow away. If not, go away. Either way, let's have some good times.
Nursing school is hell.
However, I am determined to figure out a way to succeed in it. Positive thinking is something that I've been struggling with lately, for many different factors that are both personal and common knowledge. However, it was at points the only thing that got me through some hurdles last year. I'm hoping it will continue to be effective.
So, really, this is going to be me rambling. If you find it interesting, awesome. Follow away. If not, go away. Either way, let's have some good times.
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