Salt Water

"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea." Isak Dinesen

I'm a beach baby.

The beach is my comfort. It is my place to go when the world seems like it makes no sense. It scares me that tonight, my haven is letting me down. I can't seem to shut my brain off, and the blogosphere doesn't judge. At least it doesn't judge to my face, so I'll take it.

Adulthood scares me.

I feel more unprepared for this than anything else I've encountered in my life. It seems menial, really, because the only accomplishment I have to my name is graduating from nursing school. And to me, that's massive...but to the rest of the world, it's just another associate degree that "anyone" could accomplish. (rolls eyes, while scoffing....i dare you, unsuspecting public, go for it. prove me wrong).  I feel like a broken record most of the time, because really - I'm not even in it anymore. That's done. And honestly, I never thought I would be in a place where I would say I miss it.

I think I miss the predictability and stability most. All I've never known is school, and now that I don't have it anymore I feel like I'm floundering. I can't find a job, and I'm still living with my parents. Granted, that really just puts me in the "norm" for college graduates my age, but I really banked on walking into a job in nursing and finally having my life start.

I had this idealistic notion (I don't know why I keep having those, really) that I would find a job right away with an excellent salary that would support my lifestyle that mainly consists of enjoying alcohol with my girls. So far all I've done is rack up my credit card debt even higher than it already is (yes, apparently it's possible) enjoying my alcohol and groupie habit.

So when do things start to come together? Do they ever? I think that question is at the crux of my non-stop deliberations. I certainly hope it does, because as much as I want to deny the inevitable truth, I'm not going to be in my 20s for the rest of my life.

An even scarier thought, one which I really only entertain when I'm alone on the beach at midnight, is when does the profession start to feel right? I REFUSE to acknowledge that I went through all the shit I did to walk out feeling just as lost (if not moreso) than I did when I started 2 years ago. I think that's another reason I want to land a job so desperately...I just want the proverbial "this-was-totally-the-right-decision" moment. AKA, I want to be happy. Content.

For now, though, I'm going to let my mind continue to wander while I let Isak Dinesen's theory take effect...because the tears haven't stopped for hours and the sea is the only thing I have to distract me.